Closing in on a new beginning

Its that time in life again, when change is around the corner, sitting there, waiting for me to walk those last few almost familiar blocks before I turn towards unknown territory. In restrospect, the turmoil that was created the previous time - the attachment, detachment, dreams and realities and the constant war between them made me more comfortable than I should have been with familiar. The idea of change was appealing - but clinging on to the idea of radical change made me doubt the power of subtle but in reality stronger and more sustainable change.

But around now, I get that feeling in me again - for radical change. This time its more something I feel is going to happen externally and I am going to be the one making it as less radical and as more subtle as possible, Unlike last time when it was the other way around.

But change is in order and there are things and people I will have to leave behind - some forcibly so, and most painfully so. Of course it feels like this has everything to do with me leaving AIESEC - but thats not true. Yes, it is a major contributor to a lot of these feelings. But there are things about me that I discover/ rather re-discover every single day. Friendships that I ran away from seem strangely appealing. Conversations and perspectives I looked down upon seem more tolerable. The need to be in the limelight constantly reducing because the urge to find me is so much stronger.
It feels like going into a shell and then rolling around in the vast space there is. Remake that distinction between self and other.

As the new beginning come closer (as i much rather call it than the end of days) I feel the need to rekindle passion. Last time around - there was AIESEC - for showing me movies, presentations, perspectives and inspire me for the sake of inspiration. Now there needs to be a new passion - a more realistic passion - a more universal passion.
There need to be a new set of leaders who I am awestruck by. There need to be comraderies for the same goal. There needs to be passion within those set of people to fight - to really fight. To fight hunger, war, terrorism, inequality... to fight against all that is wrong... or one thing - but with so much strength and energy. Go sleepless nights, sacrifice, suffer - but feel content...

Yes this all seems like AIESEC - but its really not about that right now. Its about me finding myself - not again - but a new self - wrapping up all that i have been in the 2 decades of my existance and creating a synthesis that I start real life with... before the next Revolution of course!

Weeding Out

Vulnerablities.
Many many of them.
Highly uncomfortable.
Don't want to be this way.
Hate being this way.

Hate feeling like this.
Hate needing someone.
Hate needing people in general.
Hate needing solidarity.
Hate needing. Period.

Hate loving someone so much.
Hate not having someone.
Hate watching people with other people.
Hate hoping "someday".
Hate feeling like this. Period.

Hate aspiration.
Hate day dreams.
Hate change.
Hate decisions.
Hate jealousy. Period.

Hate the want to rebuild myself.
Love the want also.
Want to grow again.
Want to become a different person.
Hate how difficult it is...
Hoping the result is worth it.