Its not the song I wish to write about but the idea its conveying.
The world keeps spinning around really fast - its speed keeps increasing... or so is the illusion technology and other such things create around us.
The possibilities are endless - discretion is fairly high..
We almost have all control of our lives!
Doesn't that give most people a sense of, erm.. power? maybe because you know you can control most things around you....and doesn't that make a lot of people content?
I Object.
What happened to the possibilities of living life without plans. Without "optimum utilization of resources" because, who defines optimum.. its never optimum!
One does come close.. to believing they're realizing their "close to full potential"... but who measures your potential for you -how can you tell your judgment is accurate!
Honestly, we're all the ones to take the easier route out...
When it suits our convenience - Effort is more important than output... and then we, rather intelligent individuals, manage a lot with dismal effort we bask in our own glory, principle goes out of the window...
And then we trust our judgment?
Control over nature - we've fought for that ever since prehistoric times, haven't we? Killed the beast for safety with our tools, dug into mines, made electricity so that night is as useful as day.. and.. well.. lets not get into how technology runs our life...
So what now? What happened to the sense of Not Knowing, Of taking life as it comes, Of for once giving up control and... then giving ourselves power - to not let other individuals or groups of individuals take control of our life...
Because i have serious issues with how society, family, organizations, peers, are all manipulative which i will not delve into here.
Will we be comfortable to just live? to give up the bigger things and find joy in the smaller things? The joy of learning rather than achievement (although both are equally justifiable and as human - collective importance laid on the latter kills the former)
Will we ever be able to break away from what is expected of us? of the "Right Thing To Do"? of what they say when they give a whole lot of advice in forms of lectures, scoldings and other things and say " I only tell you because i care"
As control freaks, humans managed to grab control of our lives from the hands of nature - but that doesnt imply we hold it in our hands.. it implies - that we've transferred it to technology, to trends, to vogue, to religion, to organizations... and the most lethal of them all ... to other people around us.. who infact are as clueless are we are!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Friday, October 5, 2007
She put the book down, removed her reading glasses and shut the bedside lamp. She knew reading was putting her to sleep and she wasn't sure if she wanted to do that already. She got out of bed and walked to her window, from which she could see that the horizon, as dark as ever. It must be far from sunrise she thought, and that made her very happy. From the 13th floor, the vastness of the sea somehow seemed to multiply. A quick breeze brushed her face and hugged herself to feel warmer...
She was quite happy at how successfully she had avoided phone calls and visitors all night. It had taken some serious effort, but now, she thought, it was worth it. She would have to switch on her phone soon,she knew people would've been worried enough. For now, she brushed that thought from her mind.
Her small studio apartment seemed huge, partially because it was still just half done with the interiors and part because her interiors were as minimalistic as she could make them. She looked around and thought about how she couldn't wait to move in. Her dream of so many years was coming true in front of her eyes. And she knew, that it belonged to her... No one else, but her.
At this point she questioned if she wanted to be alone. It was that age when everyone around her was either married, or on the way to. If not engaged most of her friends had managed to find the one person they wanted to spend the rest of their life with. She found her numbness to these things very disturbing at times, but she would avoid giving it any more thought.
Tonight was different. Tonight, she was hoping to get her answers. Tonight, she was hoping for her post modern fairytale dream to come true. She had however, made sure that this wouldn't happen by cutting herself away from the world. All those who needed to know where she was, were told she's in another city , traveling for business purposes. This included her parents, friends, colleagues, everybody. But she hoped.
Just when the horizon was a deep shade of purple, there was a knock on her door, that sent a shiver down her spine. No one knew she was there, who could it be at that insane hour! Her fears vanished almost the next second, when she heard that very familiar voice say "Its me".
How did he know? she thought as she unlocked.
In the light of a few yellow bulbs, she saw him holding a bottle of wine and a bouquet of white orchids and purple irises. He walked in and shut the door behind him, silently put all that he was holding on a nearby table and moved to her. She had a lot of questions, but she chose to let him have his say first.
" Did you actually want me to buy your Out-Of-City-On-Business excuse? Because, I would have expected a more convincing lie from you if you had meant it."
She just looked at him, and gave him a half smile, not knowing still whether she was actually happy to have him there or not.
His hands now empty, he moved towards her and stood very close to her. He looked her in the eye and she shied away. She felt his finger moving a strand of hair from her face and she looked up at him. He pulled her closer and held her frail body, now wrapped in white satin close by the waist. All these years, and he could still hold her with one hand.
He moved closer and kissed her. She was unsure if she wanted to kiss him back or pull away, but before she had enough time for that, she found herself kissing him back. Her cold half hug suddenly converted into a more warm squeeze.
A little while and a lot of passion later, they broke apart and he kissed her cheek and softly wished her "Happy Birthday". She had maintained her silence all this while and chose not to break it for a thank you, so instead she softly kissed his lip and moved away. The doubts in her head were reducing fast... but still her head wasn't entirely clear.
In the meanwhile, he removed 2 glasses from his bag and poured them some wine. She was fairly surprised at how well prepared he was. She stood there, with hands folded, just looking at him execute his very well thought of plan. He opened his laptop, and put on some music. She could see he had a play list ready... Impressive, she thought.
He handed her one glass, and took her to the window, where they sat on the floor, looking out to the sea, the horizon now turning magic blue...How she loved french windows :)
They knew that they didn't want to indulge in small talk and they also know that the bigger things weren't worth saying. So they sat by each others side, his arm around hers , sipping on wine and watching the sunrise.
She knew, now, that she could start thinking about those bigger questions in life, and answers would come to her with ridiculous clarity. She looked at him and moved closer and rested her head on his shoulder. Her held her tighter than before. They kissed.
She now knew that she sat next to the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.
By now, the orange was blazing on the horizon... They watched the sunrise together and then cuddled up in bed and slept.
But She slept happier, because she knew she wasn't indifferent anymore... She was just sure, that she was in love :)
She was quite happy at how successfully she had avoided phone calls and visitors all night. It had taken some serious effort, but now, she thought, it was worth it. She would have to switch on her phone soon,she knew people would've been worried enough. For now, she brushed that thought from her mind.
Her small studio apartment seemed huge, partially because it was still just half done with the interiors and part because her interiors were as minimalistic as she could make them. She looked around and thought about how she couldn't wait to move in. Her dream of so many years was coming true in front of her eyes. And she knew, that it belonged to her... No one else, but her.
At this point she questioned if she wanted to be alone. It was that age when everyone around her was either married, or on the way to. If not engaged most of her friends had managed to find the one person they wanted to spend the rest of their life with. She found her numbness to these things very disturbing at times, but she would avoid giving it any more thought.
Tonight was different. Tonight, she was hoping to get her answers. Tonight, she was hoping for her post modern fairytale dream to come true. She had however, made sure that this wouldn't happen by cutting herself away from the world. All those who needed to know where she was, were told she's in another city , traveling for business purposes. This included her parents, friends, colleagues, everybody. But she hoped.
Just when the horizon was a deep shade of purple, there was a knock on her door, that sent a shiver down her spine. No one knew she was there, who could it be at that insane hour! Her fears vanished almost the next second, when she heard that very familiar voice say "Its me".
How did he know? she thought as she unlocked.
In the light of a few yellow bulbs, she saw him holding a bottle of wine and a bouquet of white orchids and purple irises. He walked in and shut the door behind him, silently put all that he was holding on a nearby table and moved to her. She had a lot of questions, but she chose to let him have his say first.
" Did you actually want me to buy your Out-Of-City-On-Business excuse? Because, I would have expected a more convincing lie from you if you had meant it."
She just looked at him, and gave him a half smile, not knowing still whether she was actually happy to have him there or not.
His hands now empty, he moved towards her and stood very close to her. He looked her in the eye and she shied away. She felt his finger moving a strand of hair from her face and she looked up at him. He pulled her closer and held her frail body, now wrapped in white satin close by the waist. All these years, and he could still hold her with one hand.
He moved closer and kissed her. She was unsure if she wanted to kiss him back or pull away, but before she had enough time for that, she found herself kissing him back. Her cold half hug suddenly converted into a more warm squeeze.
A little while and a lot of passion later, they broke apart and he kissed her cheek and softly wished her "Happy Birthday". She had maintained her silence all this while and chose not to break it for a thank you, so instead she softly kissed his lip and moved away. The doubts in her head were reducing fast... but still her head wasn't entirely clear.
In the meanwhile, he removed 2 glasses from his bag and poured them some wine. She was fairly surprised at how well prepared he was. She stood there, with hands folded, just looking at him execute his very well thought of plan. He opened his laptop, and put on some music. She could see he had a play list ready... Impressive, she thought.
He handed her one glass, and took her to the window, where they sat on the floor, looking out to the sea, the horizon now turning magic blue...How she loved french windows :)
They knew that they didn't want to indulge in small talk and they also know that the bigger things weren't worth saying. So they sat by each others side, his arm around hers , sipping on wine and watching the sunrise.
She knew, now, that she could start thinking about those bigger questions in life, and answers would come to her with ridiculous clarity. She looked at him and moved closer and rested her head on his shoulder. Her held her tighter than before. They kissed.
She now knew that she sat next to the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.
By now, the orange was blazing on the horizon... They watched the sunrise together and then cuddled up in bed and slept.
But She slept happier, because she knew she wasn't indifferent anymore... She was just sure, that she was in love :)
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Identity Shmidentity
So yeah... the whole shoo sha about "Identity" is slightly getting to me now. Everything is Identity. Who you are, how you dress, what you eat, who you chose to hang out with, who you call friends who you don't, what your romantic interests are, who you find hot and not...
And then it all needs to align, doesn't it... you can't contradict what you think and the way you dress, the way you are or the way you want to be. But then what about when you don't know who you are or what you want yourself to be. What about when you haven't quite made up your mind on the Identity you want and worked towards it. What about when you're as confused as half the bloody world and for a change, aren't quite afraid to accept that.
What if you aren't quite afraid to accept that you are scared of losing a friend. What if you're quite indifferent to losing quite a few others.
What if you're actually inquisitive and really miss studying, because you know you don't want to be labeled. What if you actually know you will complain when you have to study as much as you miss it now.
What is with identity anyways... how does it matter what brand you wear, what football club you support or what you chose to call right or wrong. How difficult is it, to accept that identities are fluid - as is everything else - so why hold on to it. Live and Let Live.. really :)
And then it all needs to align, doesn't it... you can't contradict what you think and the way you dress, the way you are or the way you want to be. But then what about when you don't know who you are or what you want yourself to be. What about when you haven't quite made up your mind on the Identity you want and worked towards it. What about when you're as confused as half the bloody world and for a change, aren't quite afraid to accept that.
What if you aren't quite afraid to accept that you are scared of losing a friend. What if you're quite indifferent to losing quite a few others.
What if you're actually inquisitive and really miss studying, because you know you don't want to be labeled. What if you actually know you will complain when you have to study as much as you miss it now.
What is with identity anyways... how does it matter what brand you wear, what football club you support or what you chose to call right or wrong. How difficult is it, to accept that identities are fluid - as is everything else - so why hold on to it. Live and Let Live.. really :)
31st December 2005
Autumn leaves crumpled and dust flew in the air as the car drove into the compound, through the gate that was now shut - a brand new gate that replaced the old rusty one... A sign...
As the car drove into the compound she noticed the destruction of sorts... the building that she knew as "office" all these years lay broken and in ruins. Some fain wall paper remains and she remembers running around in that place as a child. The smell of the AC, the continuous screeching of the huge dot matrix printer as a background, and butter idli - the types she's hasn't ever tasted again. Memories of her grandfather... and a sudden realization that what seemed to be massive wasn't that big after all!
Pappa goes around surveying the loading of machines and material alike, supervising all he can on that ground... he knows its his last time there. Nostalgia takes over when he starts a conversation with his manager - " Have I ever told you the story of the compound?" he asks his daughter....
She's been living in the same house... through the same 3 years of stress that he has, latently affected by them herself, not very obviously showing it, but affected. She knew all she managed to gather from random snippets of conversations and out pours of emotion to her when some one in the house thought they had had enough... but honestly, she knew a little less than was expected for a 17 year old to know... she never questioned.
And then the narration starts, with facts and details with emotions at that time and then in hind sight... as she patiently listens and understand the enormity of the whole series of events over 25 years. Struggles, fights, Mental Stress and ghosts!!!
Engrossed in conversation she and her dad walk down to the local joint for a meal.. hardly realizing any of it owing to interesting conversation and overflow of nostalgia...
So they walked back into the compound... crumpling leaves under their feet.... Pappa decides to do another round of surveying and supervising while she hangs around.. in the ruins...
They look so beautiful to her, she doesn't want to leave. She doesn't want to let go, and she suddenly makes a lot more sense of the stress and trauma that latently affected her in a growing fashion over the past 3 years. Its like the crescendo was at its peak.
The sun sets on the last day of the year 2005... She and Pappa drive out... for the last time ever from Lobo Compound.
The events that followed... complicated, emotionally painful etc all gave her one thing that she slept with that night - the one thing she was later to learn was possibly her greatest strength or her biggest weakness - that she loves her family very very dearly!
In the year to come... It cost her her biggest dream ever... it also earned her moments she wouldn't replace for the world.
Its hardly about all that.... the blog is honestly just about 31st December 2005 - the day she bonded stronger than ever - with almost every member of her family!
As the car drove into the compound she noticed the destruction of sorts... the building that she knew as "office" all these years lay broken and in ruins. Some fain wall paper remains and she remembers running around in that place as a child. The smell of the AC, the continuous screeching of the huge dot matrix printer as a background, and butter idli - the types she's hasn't ever tasted again. Memories of her grandfather... and a sudden realization that what seemed to be massive wasn't that big after all!
Pappa goes around surveying the loading of machines and material alike, supervising all he can on that ground... he knows its his last time there. Nostalgia takes over when he starts a conversation with his manager - " Have I ever told you the story of the compound?" he asks his daughter....
She's been living in the same house... through the same 3 years of stress that he has, latently affected by them herself, not very obviously showing it, but affected. She knew all she managed to gather from random snippets of conversations and out pours of emotion to her when some one in the house thought they had had enough... but honestly, she knew a little less than was expected for a 17 year old to know... she never questioned.
And then the narration starts, with facts and details with emotions at that time and then in hind sight... as she patiently listens and understand the enormity of the whole series of events over 25 years. Struggles, fights, Mental Stress and ghosts!!!
Engrossed in conversation she and her dad walk down to the local joint for a meal.. hardly realizing any of it owing to interesting conversation and overflow of nostalgia...
So they walked back into the compound... crumpling leaves under their feet.... Pappa decides to do another round of surveying and supervising while she hangs around.. in the ruins...
They look so beautiful to her, she doesn't want to leave. She doesn't want to let go, and she suddenly makes a lot more sense of the stress and trauma that latently affected her in a growing fashion over the past 3 years. Its like the crescendo was at its peak.
The sun sets on the last day of the year 2005... She and Pappa drive out... for the last time ever from Lobo Compound.
The events that followed... complicated, emotionally painful etc all gave her one thing that she slept with that night - the one thing she was later to learn was possibly her greatest strength or her biggest weakness - that she loves her family very very dearly!
In the year to come... It cost her her biggest dream ever... it also earned her moments she wouldn't replace for the world.
Its hardly about all that.... the blog is honestly just about 31st December 2005 - the day she bonded stronger than ever - with almost every member of her family!
Friday, June 1, 2007
Dancing In the Rain
To come to think of it… shouldn’t I be writing about how Nature is bigger than man`- how it reminds you every once in a while that IT is really the cause of true happiness, sadness, creation and destruction… Given that the consequences of rains 15 days before expected can have ‘adverse’ consequences on the Economy, Livelihood, etc…
But I choose not to… Because the rains are here… That’s always a cause of this… feeling that words may fail to describe. The sudden change in the wind… the breeze… the moisture that seeps into the parched earth… sending out a faint, but welcome fragrance, a notice – The Rains Have Arrived!
And then clouds quarrel and rage mighty wars in the heavens above… their gargle… a sound no man made machine can match… A sound that can make you feel strong – I guess… the way no other sound can.
A long year has gone. As much as I know that a year is not over yet… I’m going back from unfamiliar to familiar. People walk back into my life, Distances heal, in a way like you wonder if they existed at all! The smell of the earth, the feeling of wetness, this welcome sort of chill in the air… The rains… the sound of raindrops hitting the several obstructions on its way to the ground… the fragrance of the earth when the raindrops finally reach there… the freshness on every tree, every petal and every road (if you must) every single morning… when the sun shines…only little… Just enough to remind you how important it is – in spite of having scorched you through the summers…
I don’t know why nature exhilarates me the way it does... Its just this one thing… but then... when you’re all alone on the rooftop laughing your lungs out for absolutely no reason but because you’re happy to hear the thunder and see the lightening while raidrops drench your body… it shouldn’t really be your botheration… should it
But I choose not to… Because the rains are here… That’s always a cause of this… feeling that words may fail to describe. The sudden change in the wind… the breeze… the moisture that seeps into the parched earth… sending out a faint, but welcome fragrance, a notice – The Rains Have Arrived!
And then clouds quarrel and rage mighty wars in the heavens above… their gargle… a sound no man made machine can match… A sound that can make you feel strong – I guess… the way no other sound can.
A long year has gone. As much as I know that a year is not over yet… I’m going back from unfamiliar to familiar. People walk back into my life, Distances heal, in a way like you wonder if they existed at all! The smell of the earth, the feeling of wetness, this welcome sort of chill in the air… The rains… the sound of raindrops hitting the several obstructions on its way to the ground… the fragrance of the earth when the raindrops finally reach there… the freshness on every tree, every petal and every road (if you must) every single morning… when the sun shines…only little… Just enough to remind you how important it is – in spite of having scorched you through the summers…
I don’t know why nature exhilarates me the way it does... Its just this one thing… but then... when you’re all alone on the rooftop laughing your lungs out for absolutely no reason but because you’re happy to hear the thunder and see the lightening while raidrops drench your body… it shouldn’t really be your botheration… should it
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Honey and the Moon
- Joseph Arthur
" Don't know why I 'm still afraid, if you weren't real I would make you up..."
Now I'm thinking, would I, honestly? I'm trying to understand the strength of the bond and wondering whether I'd be able to make up a bond to the same effect in my mind. Would my perception be deep, wide, broad enough to be able to "presume" that a bond to this effect can exist at all?
I doubt I could perceive the depth of the unspoken understanding we share, of the "Mental Connection" that requires few words. It honestly goes beyond understanding each others witty one liners and sarcastic stints. Cos humor hides a lot beneath its surface. Choice, Identity, Security, Likes and otherwise and the Lack of all of these things - all stuffings in the big pillowcase of Humor - and then again - Life is just a Pillow Fights isn't it. As much as you didn't intend for it to hit a certain place ;)
Silence holds the strength to convey emotions that words aren't strong enough to hold,they'll just give way and break the emotion.
3 years, and I ponder about how they went by, as a set of phases and then in hindsight , as a synergy - one entire entity.
From being Naive to being Not so naive ... innocence and the lack of it... Ego, Ideas, day dreams...
Insecurity attacks people differently, which is good - the abundance of security in one will flow to the other , bringing about a balance. Or then with both insecure - they will share their insecurity and incompleteness....
Or then theres another option - To reach security -as a personal accomplishment - to reach a seemingly complete self - and then share the security and the completeness...
Experiments, mistakes and make outs. But some bonds are strong enough to survive these. And over the past 3 years, I'm only convinced they'll grow stronger, cos we've given each other multiple Second Chances - and will continue to do so...
I doubt I could perceive the depth of the unspoken understanding we share, of the "Mental Connection" that requires few words. It honestly goes beyond understanding each others witty one liners and sarcastic stints. Cos humor hides a lot beneath its surface. Choice, Identity, Security, Likes and otherwise and the Lack of all of these things - all stuffings in the big pillowcase of Humor - and then again - Life is just a Pillow Fights isn't it. As much as you didn't intend for it to hit a certain place ;)
Silence holds the strength to convey emotions that words aren't strong enough to hold,they'll just give way and break the emotion.
3 years, and I ponder about how they went by, as a set of phases and then in hindsight , as a synergy - one entire entity.
From being Naive to being Not so naive ... innocence and the lack of it... Ego, Ideas, day dreams...
Insecurity attacks people differently, which is good - the abundance of security in one will flow to the other , bringing about a balance. Or then with both insecure - they will share their insecurity and incompleteness....
Or then theres another option - To reach security -as a personal accomplishment - to reach a seemingly complete self - and then share the security and the completeness...
Experiments, mistakes and make outs. But some bonds are strong enough to survive these. And over the past 3 years, I'm only convinced they'll grow stronger, cos we've given each other multiple Second Chances - and will continue to do so...
"but right now, everything you want is wrong, and right now, all your dreams are waking up"
Hunter
- Dido
I must admit that i'm slightly inspired by Karuna's blog, as much as I have been banned against revealing its existence, I find a weird sort of solace and reassurance in what she writes and has written over the years.
Maybe life's phases and lessons are still the same for each individual, although the experience may be different, but the underlying intentions that life as an individual entity has when it puts us through what it does, are perhaps the same.
Its funny, the way life leaves you single when in a crowd and then just a while later, just 1 person, a few people, become your crowd, your people, your defense against solitude. And you move through life with your crowd, like they're you're raft in a white water rafting patch. With all its rapids and calms, with moments when you find thrill in not knowing where you'll be a second later to times when you see hours, miles and years of what lies ahead of you...
And then again there's a rapid, you come out of it, suddenly unknown to your own self. Not knowing who you are or where you are headed. Suddenly being surrounded by people you know... but thats just it.
You're alone, in your own territory. The king of your castle suddenly feels like a door mouse and you're just about lucky to feel that way, because exploring is always more fun without the crown!
"Cos this queen you think you own, wants to be a hunter again.. wants to see the world alone again, to take a chance on life again...."
Suddenly in a new patch, calm enough, just about to let you figure out where you are, but not long enough for you to know where you're going. Long enough to tell you who you're with, hardly about why, how each person is?
You know its a phase this time around. Experience in rafting teaches you that. Best friends are never Permanent, no one honestly is.. not even you....
You hold on none the less, to a faint illusion - accepting the change, the growing apart, the memories and then the security that thats not going away anywhere. And that in the end, they're your comfort cushion, you know they'll soften your fall or maybe, just let it hit hard enough!
All over again, one phase to another and then yet another the cycle continues, unraveling each page, slowly and steadily to what we know as life... More coming together and that much more falling apart, equal amount of memories and more change...
Finally at a point when i'm numb to it. Having lost friends i never thought i'd lose, or drift away from to keeping friends that i never thought would stick around, its just more mysteries i prepare myself for. Deep down, holding on to one ground rule. Nothing is permanent - Not even ME. So when i'm Alone - Its not for long and then also, when its crowded - it'll be over soon enough :)
I must admit that i'm slightly inspired by Karuna's blog, as much as I have been banned against revealing its existence, I find a weird sort of solace and reassurance in what she writes and has written over the years.
Maybe life's phases and lessons are still the same for each individual, although the experience may be different, but the underlying intentions that life as an individual entity has when it puts us through what it does, are perhaps the same.
Its funny, the way life leaves you single when in a crowd and then just a while later, just 1 person, a few people, become your crowd, your people, your defense against solitude. And you move through life with your crowd, like they're you're raft in a white water rafting patch. With all its rapids and calms, with moments when you find thrill in not knowing where you'll be a second later to times when you see hours, miles and years of what lies ahead of you...
And then again there's a rapid, you come out of it, suddenly unknown to your own self. Not knowing who you are or where you are headed. Suddenly being surrounded by people you know... but thats just it.
You're alone, in your own territory. The king of your castle suddenly feels like a door mouse and you're just about lucky to feel that way, because exploring is always more fun without the crown!
"Cos this queen you think you own, wants to be a hunter again.. wants to see the world alone again, to take a chance on life again...."
Suddenly in a new patch, calm enough, just about to let you figure out where you are, but not long enough for you to know where you're going. Long enough to tell you who you're with, hardly about why, how each person is?
You know its a phase this time around. Experience in rafting teaches you that. Best friends are never Permanent, no one honestly is.. not even you....
You hold on none the less, to a faint illusion - accepting the change, the growing apart, the memories and then the security that thats not going away anywhere. And that in the end, they're your comfort cushion, you know they'll soften your fall or maybe, just let it hit hard enough!
All over again, one phase to another and then yet another the cycle continues, unraveling each page, slowly and steadily to what we know as life... More coming together and that much more falling apart, equal amount of memories and more change...
Finally at a point when i'm numb to it. Having lost friends i never thought i'd lose, or drift away from to keeping friends that i never thought would stick around, its just more mysteries i prepare myself for. Deep down, holding on to one ground rule. Nothing is permanent - Not even ME. So when i'm Alone - Its not for long and then also, when its crowded - it'll be over soon enough :)
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Dia De Abril...
Disconnected. At a Loss of reason or purpose. At a loss of motivation, a drive to achieve, a focus of the top, or a focus of self accomplishment, the feeling of repent hidden in layers of hurt, unneeded ego, and thin translucent coverings of individuality and rebellion.
I want to turn back? But i cant seem to remember where it is that i want to go back to? or who? How many people do i want back in my life? how many people am i willing to leave along the way?
How much am i willing to sacrifice? where do i want to draw the line? What is it thats stopping me from doing what i know deep down is right? What is hindering the want to DO, the attempt, to Try!?
Why does the ego suffer blows? why does the ego exist at all? why does one doubt themselves? why does one get insecure and why does one constantly need reassurance? why is there such lack of stability? Why does each phase have to be short lived? why cant one thrive on a phase!
Lack Direction and am trying to cope with it! Lack motivation but i am pushing myself just those few more inches, maybe its under that stone right there... and then another stone goes by, feeling of hopelessness grows, strength to push reduces!
Disconnect! Rethink? Feel? attempt to?
Overwhelm yourself? let the feeling of overwhelming push you!?
Am i even trying hard enough?
Am i even trying at all?
Ya vas a ver como van sanando,
poco a poco tus herida
Ya vas a ver Como Va
La misma vida a decantar
la sar que sebro del mar....
There is only the hope.... thats all that is left...
I want to turn back? But i cant seem to remember where it is that i want to go back to? or who? How many people do i want back in my life? how many people am i willing to leave along the way?
How much am i willing to sacrifice? where do i want to draw the line? What is it thats stopping me from doing what i know deep down is right? What is hindering the want to DO, the attempt, to Try!?
Why does the ego suffer blows? why does the ego exist at all? why does one doubt themselves? why does one get insecure and why does one constantly need reassurance? why is there such lack of stability? Why does each phase have to be short lived? why cant one thrive on a phase!
Lack Direction and am trying to cope with it! Lack motivation but i am pushing myself just those few more inches, maybe its under that stone right there... and then another stone goes by, feeling of hopelessness grows, strength to push reduces!
Disconnect! Rethink? Feel? attempt to?
Overwhelm yourself? let the feeling of overwhelming push you!?
Am i even trying hard enough?
Am i even trying at all?
Ya vas a ver como van sanando,
poco a poco tus herida
Ya vas a ver Como Va
La misma vida a decantar
la sar que sebro del mar....
There is only the hope.... thats all that is left...
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
50 questions
Tagged By Khamba:
1. Were you named after anyone? From the random story i heard, my parents came up with the name when they were travelling and saw a building with the same name.. dunno how true the story actually is tho...
2. Do you wish on stars? Nope... i dun mind staring at them tho
3. When did you last cry? Day before yesterday..
4. Do you like your handwriting? Yes... unless i've scribbled too fast..
5. What is your favourite meat? Im Vegetarian...
6. What is your most embarrassing CD on your shelf? Most of my compilations are embarrassing.. cos well.. not everybody likes my kinda music...
7. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Don't think i'd want to miss a friend like myself :D
8. Are you a daredevil? I like to believe i am one..
9. How do you release anger? Shreiking on the fone ... and screaming at random rickshawallas on the road!
10. Where is your second home? My beautiful Studio appartment on the highest floor of a sea facing buildings.. (its imaginary... but its my haven.. so wat the hell)
11. Do you trust others easily? That really depends...
12. What was your favourite toy as a child? Barbies..(PLEASE Resist Laughter of all sorts!)
13. What class in school/college do you think is totally useless? Marathi...
14. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Pretty much...
15. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? Never!!!!
16. What do you look for in a guy? a closet full of White shirts, Good Humor, Lack of the MALE EGO, and Lack of Possessiveness!
17. Would you bungee jump? It really depends...on what i feel like that day...
18. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? most of my footwear doesnt have Laces to tie...
19. What's your favourite ice cream? Mint Milk and Chocolate Chip, Golden Ribbon, a lot of other Baskin Robbins Floavors...
20. What are your favourite colours? Black,Blue and Grey and Teal
21. What are your least favourite things? Stupid Rickshawallas n bus drivers on the road, Traffic Jams..
22. How many people do you have a crush on right now? Does Really cute guy on the Polish MC count!?
23. Who do you miss most right now? Sleepp.... oh sorry, who... erm.. well weirdly bilal... didnt realise how much i miss those hugs till i got one today
24. What are you listening to right now? Strangers in the night
25. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Maroon (for some odd reason :S)
26. What is the weather like right now? ACs on.. so no idea
27. Last person you talked to on the phone? Khamba
28. The "first" thing you notice about the opposite sex? The Hands...
29. Do you like the person who sent you this? Really now?
30. How are you today? Sleepy n Tired...
31. Favourite non alcoholic drink? Blueberry Fizz, Grape Juice...
32. Favourite alcoholic drink? Havent had any more than once to tell...
33. Natural hair colour? Brown
34. Eye colour? Brown
35. Wear contacts? No
36. Siblings? none...
37. Favourite month? December
38. Favourite food? Fettuchini in Basil Pesto and Thin Crust Margerita Pizza..
and any Hazelnut cake :)
39. Favourite day of the year? as cliched as it my sound, My birthday, so many people just pop out of nowhere to make u feel good about yourself :)
40. Have you ever been too shy to ask someone out? i've once been told im too charming to ask someone out.. i like to stick to that :D
41. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy Endings
42. Summer or winter? Winter
43. Holi or Diwali? Diwali
44. Do you like your name? Yep, it means a lot to my father :D
45. What book/magazine are you reading? Juggling between The Devil and Ms Prym - Paulo Coelho and First among Equals - Jef Arch..
46. What's on your mouse pad? Simba - of the Lion King Fame (and the mouse of course ;))
47. What did you watch on TV last night? The OC and KBC.. watever was goin on at dinner time basically...
48. Favourite Smell? The smell of the wet earth after rainfall / Interiors of a new car / a New Book / anything Limey / My bath gel / the list is never ending... oh.. not to forget.. Issey Miyaki
49. Have you ever regretted breaking up with someone? erm.. not really.. i never keep regrets... but i think i do regret not going out with a particular someone...
50. Most tiresome thing you’ve ever experienced/done? Driving through choc-o-blocked traffic !
I tag:
Siddharth
Bilal
Siddhant
Karuna
Saturday, March 17, 2007
White Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics.
Over the past week I got a lot of insight into what it feels like to be devoid of any kind of a life altogether. I was stuck at home trying to figure out the footlong formulae for a propability of a number to lie between 0.000 and 0.001.
Do you underestimate the capacity of such an occurance or just think in ur head.. Why the F&*@ do i CARE!
Well statisticians would argue saying its insanely important and they do care... heres why.
Starting of with an assumption that statisticians are Sex Deprived Human Beings. (likely posibility since those who werent deprived of it would not be as frustrated with their life as these statisticians are!)
So a bunch of geeky stats guys meet over a cuppa tea and try to find out the probability of them getting any action.
They start with the Basic Formula of N(a)/N(s), and to confirm their fears, the answer is 0!
So they embark on the journey of creating more formulae, each gets longer only to produce the same answer = 0!
Over the period, experience and desperate repetition proved that the formulae produced valid results (ie those that can be repeted n same value dervied!) and everybody started using these formulae for finding probabilities of other events in their lives.. the lifeless statisticians took shelter in the fact that they couldnt get no action so they might as well settle for fame, glory and accomplishment...
Because they were SO bored and so UNLOVED and So unintegrated into society, they emphasised on numbers and statistics so much ... that it came to be worshipped! [u see there are loads of people in the world deprived of action... Some specifially would know what i mean ; ) ]
Basically my point underneath the whole theory is that if only statisticians had not been so damned bored with their lives and SO deprived of LOVE and SEX... we would be spared of studying such a useless subject to start with!
But alas....
Do you underestimate the capacity of such an occurance or just think in ur head.. Why the F&*@ do i CARE!
Well statisticians would argue saying its insanely important and they do care... heres why.
Starting of with an assumption that statisticians are Sex Deprived Human Beings. (likely posibility since those who werent deprived of it would not be as frustrated with their life as these statisticians are!)
So a bunch of geeky stats guys meet over a cuppa tea and try to find out the probability of them getting any action.
They start with the Basic Formula of N(a)/N(s), and to confirm their fears, the answer is 0!
So they embark on the journey of creating more formulae, each gets longer only to produce the same answer = 0!
Over the period, experience and desperate repetition proved that the formulae produced valid results (ie those that can be repeted n same value dervied!) and everybody started using these formulae for finding probabilities of other events in their lives.. the lifeless statisticians took shelter in the fact that they couldnt get no action so they might as well settle for fame, glory and accomplishment...
Because they were SO bored and so UNLOVED and So unintegrated into society, they emphasised on numbers and statistics so much ... that it came to be worshipped! [u see there are loads of people in the world deprived of action... Some specifially would know what i mean ; ) ]
Basically my point underneath the whole theory is that if only statisticians had not been so damned bored with their lives and SO deprived of LOVE and SEX... we would be spared of studying such a useless subject to start with!
But alas....
Friday, March 2, 2007
Random Though For Today : Ungrow!
Memories of being 'one-of-the-guys'
I miss the long walks...the midnight conversations...
the walks on the beach... to nowhere....and back....
I miss the getting wet in the rain...
the walking into shiv sagar EVERY single day... to the same
Cheese Pav Bhaji and Chopsuey Dosa
I miss the long walks on carter road...
and the football games on wet mud and moist grass
i kno i sucked... but wat the hell ;)
I miss the long waits for 422...
and the walks to dadar station...
the gunney ka juice... and all of that!
I Miss the random drives to nowhere..
or just the craving for VEDAPA... and getting addicted!
the random bitching...
the cribbing about "floaters and socks!"
the student council days... and tireless nights
the cat fights... the dislike... the random phone call when zaheer was leaving... ;)
The million cold coffees at Naani's...
zombies classes... Kp sirs Cabin...
"where are you"
"Where are YOU"
"i asked first"
"no.. i dont care.. Where are YOU!"
....
"Barista at 8?"
"wake me up?!"
"oh shit... its 10... "
....
"Eco tommorrow?"
"okay cool"
"when... where"
"the ususal!?"
....
"SID i dont kno anything!"
"yes.. i kno u dont"
"sid .. im going to fail!"
"yes im sure u are!"
....
"Sid its all just WRONG!!!!"
....
Thursday, March 1, 2007
my 1st attempt at photoblogging...
Photoblogging looks like fun.. but im a little vary of the "The year that was" or "My life So far" kinda blogs which are usually the result of peoples' 1st attempt at photoblogging. Heres my little attempt at changing its flavor a little bit...
So Hear Goes.
..
Those two tall slim figures on either side of a baby me are what i call Mom n Dad...
I cant find a better picture to describe our relationship... that tiny little kid was looking up at them in awe.. in her head.. maybe thinking ... "Man...UR HUGE!"
but 16 odd years have gone by.. and she still looks up to them in awe... through the years having discovered that they are big people... not only because they are 30 years older... but because they have the biggest hearts and she can vouch for that for all she am worth!
There are Million things that these 2 individuals and 1 "complete "synergy have taught me.
To list 5 of the Most important ones; I'd Say
1) Independence
2) Selflessness
3) Patience
4) Walking...
5) Driving ;)
Best Friends (Proper noun) = Manasi
Thats what those 2 words translate to in my dictionary because she is one person I can give credit to for everything she has been and done over the 16 years of us being "Best Friends!"
She taught me how to tie my shoe laces...I taught her how to swing...
She tried in vain to teach me how to cycle... I tried in vain to teach her to swim...
We've had our share of fighting, bickering, bitching, hating, and then coming back to each other... knowing that after having been through ALL of that... we're still the same mad lil "Imps" that we have always been and that we belong together!
The 5 things i give her credit for (over everything else) are:
1) "Forgive and Forget"
2) The feeling of "Constant"
3) Whatever little I have of an Artistic Eye
4) Conversations (ask our parents of our ridiculous phone bills growing up ;) )
5) Being Manasi!
So Hear Goes.
.. Those two tall slim figures on either side of a baby me are what i call Mom n Dad...
I cant find a better picture to describe our relationship... that tiny little kid was looking up at them in awe.. in her head.. maybe thinking ... "Man...UR HUGE!"
but 16 odd years have gone by.. and she still looks up to them in awe... through the years having discovered that they are big people... not only because they are 30 years older... but because they have the biggest hearts and she can vouch for that for all she am worth!
There are Million things that these 2 individuals and 1 "complete "synergy have taught me.
To list 5 of the Most important ones; I'd Say
1) Independence
2) Selflessness
3) Patience
4) Walking...
5) Driving ;)
Best Friends (Proper noun) = Manasi
Thats what those 2 words translate to in my dictionary because she is one person I can give credit to for everything she has been and done over the 16 years of us being "Best Friends!"She taught me how to tie my shoe laces...I taught her how to swing...
She tried in vain to teach me how to cycle... I tried in vain to teach her to swim...
We've had our share of fighting, bickering, bitching, hating, and then coming back to each other... knowing that after having been through ALL of that... we're still the same mad lil "Imps" that we have always been and that we belong together!
The 5 things i give her credit for (over everything else) are:
1) "Forgive and Forget"
2) The feeling of "Constant"
3) Whatever little I have of an Artistic Eye
4) Conversations (ask our parents of our ridiculous phone bills growing up ;) )
5) Being Manasi!
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Whatever gets me through the night!
Micro sociologists claim that "Everyday life represents itself as a reality interpreted by men and subjectively meaningful to them in the coherent world"
The Construction of reality is individual.. and different people exract different realities out of a situation or a universal reality... one that can be seen from a bird's eye perspective...
following the trend of my previous blogs... more questions shooting your way....
is there as "universal reality" at all?
can there ever be a fact!?
if you look at a situation from a 3rd person pespective.. how do you know what you will see is "reality?"
I'm a clear interpretivist at mind... it took me long enough into the course to come to terms with that because i liked to believe im a realist... that i do believe in facts...
what is funny... is that while i was living by interpretations.. i liked to believe in facts... and now that facts glare at me in the face... i want to cling on to their interpretations
I don't like to believe that there is black and a white... and the shade of grey is what actually fascinates me!
its about understanding the grey... and what quantities of black and white went into making that one shade of grey...
My best friend of 16 years is an artist... she is one person i can give credit to for chisseling me out... in ways more than one... for what i am today...
Of the millions of childhood experiences that i remember with her... i remember the million times we analized colours, the waythey blend.. the effect they give.. the contrast they bring out and the meanings that the contarsts project...
So i know.. that every shade of grey can be complimented by a strong colour... to bring out the best in the grey!
I do believe that organge goes well with grey...
i do believe that purple goes will with grey
i do believe that red goes well with grey
and i do believe that blue goes will with grey
it is my perception of the "reality" or the grey... the Shade i "percieve" it to be.. to be able to compliment it with vibrance rather than mull in its dullness.
Its not a bad thing... so long as it appeals to me and adds colour to my life.. how i interpretthe grey...
it is hardly my botheration wheher my combination of purple and grey actually appeals to someone who thinks orange was a better shade to use...
so long as it gets me through the night
i think i'll be fine!
The Construction of reality is individual.. and different people exract different realities out of a situation or a universal reality... one that can be seen from a bird's eye perspective...
following the trend of my previous blogs... more questions shooting your way....
is there as "universal reality" at all?
can there ever be a fact!?
if you look at a situation from a 3rd person pespective.. how do you know what you will see is "reality?"
I'm a clear interpretivist at mind... it took me long enough into the course to come to terms with that because i liked to believe im a realist... that i do believe in facts...
what is funny... is that while i was living by interpretations.. i liked to believe in facts... and now that facts glare at me in the face... i want to cling on to their interpretations
I don't like to believe that there is black and a white... and the shade of grey is what actually fascinates me!
its about understanding the grey... and what quantities of black and white went into making that one shade of grey...
My best friend of 16 years is an artist... she is one person i can give credit to for chisseling me out... in ways more than one... for what i am today...
Of the millions of childhood experiences that i remember with her... i remember the million times we analized colours, the waythey blend.. the effect they give.. the contrast they bring out and the meanings that the contarsts project...
So i know.. that every shade of grey can be complimented by a strong colour... to bring out the best in the grey!
I do believe that organge goes well with grey...
i do believe that purple goes will with grey
i do believe that red goes well with grey
and i do believe that blue goes will with grey
it is my perception of the "reality" or the grey... the Shade i "percieve" it to be.. to be able to compliment it with vibrance rather than mull in its dullness.
Its not a bad thing... so long as it appeals to me and adds colour to my life.. how i interpretthe grey...
it is hardly my botheration wheher my combination of purple and grey actually appeals to someone who thinks orange was a better shade to use...
so long as it gets me through the night
i think i'll be fine!
Welcome to Whoever you are...
when is change more evident and acceptable?
when you can see the past as a reel in your head and compare it to the way things are now?
or
When the change is so radical.. that the past is wiped out... of memory and existance.. and that you come to accept that this is the way it has always been?
What abut when the change in internal... when no one can see the change more eveidently than you can?
When you look into the mirror trying to recognize a familiar face.. failing miserably in the process...
and are you welcome to getting to know this familiar person all over again? are you welcome to placing yourself in the skin, flesh and blood of that person.. the one that looks familiar but defers from radically from you?
and then do you ask yourself what YOU is all about anyways?
how can you define YOU?
is it the impression that people have of you? or the experience of being you?
which one do you value more?
where is it that you will draw the line .. to go back to the experience.. not caring about the image...
and then again.. is it about the image at all?
or is it about the interaction?
does your image alter your interaction with people around you?
and if it does.. what will u place on a higher pedestal?
the experience of your interaction with that familair person you see opposite you through a sheet of glass?
or the person standing opposite you in flesh and blood?
and you know ... and the end of the day... that the one person that the sheet of glass seperates you from.. is the one person that has to accept you for what you are more than the million others who stand in full flesh and blood across you...
and what if that virtual image that u see opposite you doesnt accept you for who you are?
It is that "reflection" that makes you realise... change has happened... and it is up to your interaction with your "reflection" that you either accept the change... or change the change...
are you welcome to whoever you are then?
and if you are... isnt it a pity!
when you can see the past as a reel in your head and compare it to the way things are now?
or
When the change is so radical.. that the past is wiped out... of memory and existance.. and that you come to accept that this is the way it has always been?
What abut when the change in internal... when no one can see the change more eveidently than you can?
When you look into the mirror trying to recognize a familiar face.. failing miserably in the process...
and are you welcome to getting to know this familiar person all over again? are you welcome to placing yourself in the skin, flesh and blood of that person.. the one that looks familiar but defers from radically from you?
and then do you ask yourself what YOU is all about anyways?
how can you define YOU?
is it the impression that people have of you? or the experience of being you?
which one do you value more?
where is it that you will draw the line .. to go back to the experience.. not caring about the image...
and then again.. is it about the image at all?
or is it about the interaction?
does your image alter your interaction with people around you?
and if it does.. what will u place on a higher pedestal?
the experience of your interaction with that familair person you see opposite you through a sheet of glass?
or the person standing opposite you in flesh and blood?
and you know ... and the end of the day... that the one person that the sheet of glass seperates you from.. is the one person that has to accept you for what you are more than the million others who stand in full flesh and blood across you...
and what if that virtual image that u see opposite you doesnt accept you for who you are?
It is that "reflection" that makes you realise... change has happened... and it is up to your interaction with your "reflection" that you either accept the change... or change the change...
are you welcome to whoever you are then?
and if you are... isnt it a pity!
Patriarchy...
It still amazes me that im actually writing a blog... making private droppings of ideas public.....
it fails to bother me now.. how people will take my shit!
I think my need to blog rises from the basic concept of "gettin things out of my system" and the strong effort to not shove it down sumone else's!
A lot of ideas are crowding my head this morning...
like Dependence - are we still stuck in clutches or patriarchy!? understanding that the scales of power equation still tilt towards the man?
Do u understand that it happens to you? Can you being the challenger of the status quo and jazz do something about it? Do you have the confidence in yourself to be stong enough when the the same domination is coming from someone really close to you?
and then can you argue that women let patriarchy rise ... due to the same inability to hurt those they love while men brutally crushed ambition, emotion and aspiration to rise?
random bouncing of ideas...
a little oil for the rusted mind....
it fails to bother me now.. how people will take my shit!
I think my need to blog rises from the basic concept of "gettin things out of my system" and the strong effort to not shove it down sumone else's!
A lot of ideas are crowding my head this morning...
like Dependence - are we still stuck in clutches or patriarchy!? understanding that the scales of power equation still tilt towards the man?
Do u understand that it happens to you? Can you being the challenger of the status quo and jazz do something about it? Do you have the confidence in yourself to be stong enough when the the same domination is coming from someone really close to you?
and then can you argue that women let patriarchy rise ... due to the same inability to hurt those they love while men brutally crushed ambition, emotion and aspiration to rise?
random bouncing of ideas...
a little oil for the rusted mind....
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