Currently listening: I will - The Beatles...

So i'm not your typical 19 year old,
the bains of maturity...
So i don't know your bands and brands,
the bains of not being materialistic...
So i ain't always updated on the latest TV Shows and Movies
the bains of spending quality time with family instead...

I'm not your defination of fun... or normal... sane...
I don't even have definations.. so i won't gauge you just yet...
I probably will gauge myself through your definations instead...
Feel pathetic... backbone- less... swine like...
Oh,What the hell...

So I don't think trying to be something you aren't is cool...
So I try really hard to be true to myself... even though i don't know who myself is very much...
So I go and try to cover all my insecurities, my fears, my deep and dark blahs...
Don't we all ?

So maybe i'm not always true to myself...
So maybe i am trying really hard sometimes to create this impression...
So maybe i'm not always comfortable with being me...
So maybe i self doubt more than i need to...
Maybe i do a lot of things to mess with my head...

whats the point to any of this... not much...except that i could do with some fresh air, a river and cold water right now...
mountains, evenings and cold winds would help...
or just maybe.. it would help to be in that second class compartment, at the steps to climb on to the train...when its zooming past the green mustard fields while the sun streaks out through the thin almost bare from autumn trees... its a while before they'll get fuller... its a while before anyone will get fuller...
But this looks pretty enough at the moment...

Maybe i want to do this so much because i want to run away from the city... from its people... i don't belong here... not in the jazzy malls with the shiney shops and things...
I dont belong here... with all these things... i need to be somewhere real... and its my bad.. that i still don't believe anything anyone makes is real - how can it be... I tore my jeans, painted my wall, tried to be... and its not real... just a make believe attempt...
Its only real as long as you know you can't have done it.. nor could anyone else alive or dead...
mysticism... hah... the bains of a capitalist society!
(and here i thought i almost went a whole blog without big words and jazzy language...)

anyways.. the world goes on.. wil go on... as it has all this while.. people will think they've changed.. when they really havent... people will think other people have changed .. when they really havent...
people will be.. just as they always have...

and i will count down 400 days.. before i pack my bags and leave...