She put the book down, removed her reading glasses and shut the bedside lamp. She knew reading was putting her to sleep and she wasn't sure if she wanted to do that already. She got out of bed and walked to her window, from which she could see that the horizon, as dark as ever. It must be far from sunrise she thought, and that made her very happy. From the 13th floor, the vastness of the sea somehow seemed to multiply. A quick breeze brushed her face and hugged herself to feel warmer...
She was quite happy at how successfully she had avoided phone calls and visitors all night. It had taken some serious effort, but now, she thought, it was worth it. She would have to switch on her phone soon,she knew people would've been worried enough. For now, she brushed that thought from her mind.
Her small studio apartment seemed huge, partially because it was still just half done with the interiors and part because her interiors were as minimalistic as she could make them. She looked around and thought about how she couldn't wait to move in. Her dream of so many years was coming true in front of her eyes. And she knew, that it belonged to her... No one else, but her.

At this point she questioned if she wanted to be alone. It was that age when everyone around her was either married, or on the way to. If not engaged most of her friends had managed to find the one person they wanted to spend the rest of their life with. She found her numbness to these things very disturbing at times, but she would avoid giving it any more thought.

Tonight was different. Tonight, she was hoping to get her answers. Tonight, she was hoping for her post modern fairytale dream to come true. She had however, made sure that this wouldn't happen by cutting herself away from the world. All those who needed to know where she was, were told she's in another city , traveling for business purposes. This included her parents, friends, colleagues, everybody. But she hoped.

Just when the horizon was a deep shade of purple, there was a knock on her door, that sent a shiver down her spine. No one knew she was there, who could it be at that insane hour! Her fears vanished almost the next second, when she heard that very familiar voice say "Its me".
How did he know? she thought as she unlocked.

In the light of a few yellow bulbs, she saw him holding a bottle of wine and a bouquet of white orchids and purple irises. He walked in and shut the door behind him, silently put all that he was holding on a nearby table and moved to her. She had a lot of questions, but she chose to let him have his say first.

" Did you actually want me to buy your Out-Of-City-On-Business excuse? Because, I would have expected a more convincing lie from you if you had meant it."

She just looked at him, and gave him a half smile, not knowing still whether she was actually happy to have him there or not.

His hands now empty, he moved towards her and stood very close to her. He looked her in the eye and she shied away. She felt his finger moving a strand of hair from her face and she looked up at him. He pulled her closer and held her frail body, now wrapped in white satin close by the waist. All these years, and he could still hold her with one hand.
He moved closer and kissed her. She was unsure if she wanted to kiss him back or pull away, but before she had enough time for that, she found herself kissing him back. Her cold half hug suddenly converted into a more warm squeeze.

A little while and a lot of passion later, they broke apart and he kissed her cheek and softly wished her "Happy Birthday". She had maintained her silence all this while and chose not to break it for a thank you, so instead she softly kissed his lip and moved away. The doubts in her head were reducing fast... but still her head wasn't entirely clear.

In the meanwhile, he removed 2 glasses from his bag and poured them some wine. She was fairly surprised at how well prepared he was. She stood there, with hands folded, just looking at him execute his very well thought of plan. He opened his laptop, and put on some music. She could see he had a play list ready... Impressive, she thought.

He handed her one glass, and took her to the window, where they sat on the floor, looking out to the sea, the horizon now turning magic blue...How she loved french windows :)

They knew that they didn't want to indulge in small talk and they also know that the bigger things weren't worth saying. So they sat by each others side, his arm around hers , sipping on wine and watching the sunrise.

She knew, now, that she could start thinking about those bigger questions in life, and answers would come to her with ridiculous clarity. She looked at him and moved closer and rested her head on his shoulder. Her held her tighter than before. They kissed.
She now knew that she sat next to the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.
By now, the orange was blazing on the horizon... They watched the sunrise together and then cuddled up in bed and slept.

But She slept happier, because she knew she wasn't indifferent anymore... She was just sure, that she was in love :)

Identity Shmidentity

So yeah... the whole shoo sha about "Identity" is slightly getting to me now. Everything is Identity. Who you are, how you dress, what you eat, who you chose to hang out with, who you call friends who you don't, what your romantic interests are, who you find hot and not...
And then it all needs to align, doesn't it... you can't contradict what you think and the way you dress, the way you are or the way you want to be. But then what about when you don't know who you are or what you want yourself to be. What about when you haven't quite made up your mind on the Identity you want and worked towards it. What about when you're as confused as half the bloody world and for a change, aren't quite afraid to accept that.

What if you aren't quite afraid to accept that you are scared of losing a friend. What if you're quite indifferent to losing quite a few others.
What if you're actually inquisitive and really miss studying, because you know you don't want to be labeled. What if you actually know you will complain when you have to study as much as you miss it now.
What is with identity anyways... how does it matter what brand you wear, what football club you support or what you chose to call right or wrong. How difficult is it, to accept that identities are fluid - as is everything else - so why hold on to it. Live and Let Live.. really :)

31st December 2005

Autumn leaves crumpled and dust flew in the air as the car drove into the compound, through the gate that was now shut - a brand new gate that replaced the old rusty one... A sign...

As the car drove into the compound she noticed the destruction of sorts... the building that she knew as "office" all these years lay broken and in ruins. Some fain wall paper remains and she remembers running around in that place as a child. The smell of the AC, the continuous screeching of the huge dot matrix printer as a background, and butter idli - the types she's hasn't ever tasted again. Memories of her grandfather... and a sudden realization that what seemed to be massive wasn't that big after all!

Pappa goes around surveying the loading of machines and material alike, supervising all he can on that ground... he knows its his last time there. Nostalgia takes over when he starts a conversation with his manager - " Have I ever told you the story of the compound?" he asks his daughter....

She's been living in the same house... through the same 3 years of stress that he has, latently affected by them herself, not very obviously showing it, but affected. She knew all she managed to gather from random snippets of conversations and out pours of emotion to her when some one in the house thought they had had enough... but honestly, she knew a little less than was expected for a 17 year old to know... she never questioned.

And then the narration starts, with facts and details with emotions at that time and then in hind sight... as she patiently listens and understand the enormity of the whole series of events over 25 years. Struggles, fights, Mental Stress and ghosts!!!

Engrossed in conversation she and her dad walk down to the local joint for a meal.. hardly realizing any of it owing to interesting conversation and overflow of nostalgia...

So they walked back into the compound... crumpling leaves under their feet.... Pappa decides to do another round of surveying and supervising while she hangs around.. in the ruins...
They look so beautiful to her, she doesn't want to leave. She doesn't want to let go, and she suddenly makes a lot more sense of the stress and trauma that latently affected her in a growing fashion over the past 3 years. Its like the crescendo was at its peak.

The sun sets on the last day of the year 2005... She and Pappa drive out... for the last time ever from Lobo Compound.

The events that followed... complicated, emotionally painful etc all gave her one thing that she slept with that night - the one thing she was later to learn was possibly her greatest strength or her biggest weakness - that she loves her family very very dearly!

In the year to come... It cost her her biggest dream ever... it also earned her moments she wouldn't replace for the world.
Its hardly about all that.... the blog is honestly just about 31st December 2005 - the day she bonded stronger than ever - with almost every member of her family!

Dancing In the Rain

To come to think of it… shouldn’t I be writing about how Nature is bigger than man`- how it reminds you every once in a while that IT is really the cause of true happiness, sadness, creation and destruction… Given that the consequences of rains 15 days before expected can have ‘adverse’ consequences on the Economy, Livelihood, etc…

But I choose not to… Because the rains are here… That’s always a cause of this… feeling that words may fail to describe. The sudden change in the wind… the breeze… the moisture that seeps into the parched earth… sending out a faint, but welcome fragrance, a notice – The Rains Have Arrived!

And then clouds quarrel and rage mighty wars in the heavens above… their gargle… a sound no man made machine can match… A sound that can make you feel strong – I guess… the way no other sound can.

A long year has gone. As much as I know that a year is not over yet… I’m going back from unfamiliar to familiar. People walk back into my life, Distances heal, in a way like you wonder if they existed at all! The smell of the earth, the feeling of wetness, this welcome sort of chill in the air… The rains… the sound of raindrops hitting the several obstructions on its way to the ground… the fragrance of the earth when the raindrops finally reach there… the freshness on every tree, every petal and every road (if you must) every single morning… when the sun shines…only little… Just enough to remind you how important it is – in spite of having scorched you through the summers…
I don’t know why nature exhilarates me the way it does... Its just this one thing… but then... when you’re all alone on the rooftop laughing your lungs out for absolutely no reason but because you’re happy to hear the thunder and see the lightening while raidrops drench your body… it shouldn’t really be your botheration… should it