Closing in on a new beginning

Its that time in life again, when change is around the corner, sitting there, waiting for me to walk those last few almost familiar blocks before I turn towards unknown territory. In restrospect, the turmoil that was created the previous time - the attachment, detachment, dreams and realities and the constant war between them made me more comfortable than I should have been with familiar. The idea of change was appealing - but clinging on to the idea of radical change made me doubt the power of subtle but in reality stronger and more sustainable change.

But around now, I get that feeling in me again - for radical change. This time its more something I feel is going to happen externally and I am going to be the one making it as less radical and as more subtle as possible, Unlike last time when it was the other way around.

But change is in order and there are things and people I will have to leave behind - some forcibly so, and most painfully so. Of course it feels like this has everything to do with me leaving AIESEC - but thats not true. Yes, it is a major contributor to a lot of these feelings. But there are things about me that I discover/ rather re-discover every single day. Friendships that I ran away from seem strangely appealing. Conversations and perspectives I looked down upon seem more tolerable. The need to be in the limelight constantly reducing because the urge to find me is so much stronger.
It feels like going into a shell and then rolling around in the vast space there is. Remake that distinction between self and other.

As the new beginning come closer (as i much rather call it than the end of days) I feel the need to rekindle passion. Last time around - there was AIESEC - for showing me movies, presentations, perspectives and inspire me for the sake of inspiration. Now there needs to be a new passion - a more realistic passion - a more universal passion.
There need to be a new set of leaders who I am awestruck by. There need to be comraderies for the same goal. There needs to be passion within those set of people to fight - to really fight. To fight hunger, war, terrorism, inequality... to fight against all that is wrong... or one thing - but with so much strength and energy. Go sleepless nights, sacrifice, suffer - but feel content...

Yes this all seems like AIESEC - but its really not about that right now. Its about me finding myself - not again - but a new self - wrapping up all that i have been in the 2 decades of my existance and creating a synthesis that I start real life with... before the next Revolution of course!

Weeding Out

Vulnerablities.
Many many of them.
Highly uncomfortable.
Don't want to be this way.
Hate being this way.

Hate feeling like this.
Hate needing someone.
Hate needing people in general.
Hate needing solidarity.
Hate needing. Period.

Hate loving someone so much.
Hate not having someone.
Hate watching people with other people.
Hate hoping "someday".
Hate feeling like this. Period.

Hate aspiration.
Hate day dreams.
Hate change.
Hate decisions.
Hate jealousy. Period.

Hate the want to rebuild myself.
Love the want also.
Want to grow again.
Want to become a different person.
Hate how difficult it is...
Hoping the result is worth it.

Tomorrow

Maybe this goes out to someone,
Maybe this is for me and me alone..

Maybe after very long, something bothered me this much,
Maybe its bothered me for a while but I finally have the courage to confront it,

For once this isn't about me..
But then maybe its just about me...

Placebo is a substance or procedure a patient accepts as medicine or therapy, but which has no specific therapeutic activity. Any therapeutic effect is thought to be based on the power of suggestion.

So whats the placebo?
The Drug? or the Ritual to get off it?
The Feeling itself? or the hurt that one deals with, to rid the feeling?
The aspiration? or the road to getting there?

And if each is as likely to be the placebo - something that has so specific therapeutic consequences - then why does any of these things happen at all.

No this isn't unreal - far from it. Because it pricks and hurts. Because it leads to tears. Because we love and will continue to..and hence care and continue to. Because it doesn't stop when you ignore it for long enough. Because these things don't grab you at your strongest time - instead they do at your most vulnerable time...

When you look at someone hurt on the road, someone drowning in the lake or falling off the cliff - you lend a hand and more. Giving up isn't an options some of these times... not because you really want to save the person.. but because you don't want to face your own guilt for not trying hard enough for the rest of your life...

Today is one such confrontation...
Maybe its time to reach out...
Maybe its time to convince yourself against worrying about things that you can't control...

Each path is difficult - and the commitment permenant.

Maybe Tomorrow decides for itself... what you must do.. or what I must do.
Or maybe tomorrow we can make that decision - that will possibly change our lives forever - and then stick to it.

Dhantadantadapshk...

Ha Ha Ha...
No that word doesn't make sense...
It could be a cool thing to describe a really happy kid jumping around on the road slipping on a banana peal...
Pshk...

But slipping on a banana peal must suck... Here i realize that i am probably spelling peel wrong :P
Oh well..
So as i was saying.. BananaPeal!

No no.. this has nothing to do with my day having gone through off the chats and then fizzled out altogether..No Sir-eee
Its just a fun word...
Dhantadantadapshk!

Anyways.. its established that i'm writing nonsense here... This point - is where you stop reading because you feel the risk of losing your mind!
Oh no.. wait! you have already lost it...
How do i know?
Cos you're reading this Dumbass!!!

hehhee.... I feel so little and evil right now...
Like putting a fart bomb under someone... hm...
thats another Dhantadantadapshk!
Imagine someone on my team *nudde nudge wink wink* At ebm... after a long argument - as one of those always crops up -
and its a crescendo *dhantadantada...* *Sits Down* *PSHK* *Fart* *Smelly Room* *Ridiculous laughter...*

(this event is fictional - any resemblance in real life is purely co-incidental)

You know... i've never really written a narrative about my day... or week or month...
like...
So.. This is the recent news flash from the life and times of Apeksha...

I could try...
Except as it seems right now...
Its looks more like - "Pshktadantadatadnatadatapshktadan....."
Its continuing on a consistant "Tadantadantada!"

Cool.. so lets try...
My Summer...
Was fun - involved travelling - 2nd class trains, shanty outstation busses, maggi and egg omlette, meallessness, but nice meals...
Sessions, Screwups, jives (all time favorites), Tears, Hugs, Tears, Long conversations, more tears...Alcohol, Speeches, bonding, puking, passing out, waking up with dirty alcohol taste...Longer Conversations...Fights, Blames, Pathetic Feeling Days... Feedback (over exaggerated, Unnecessary) ... House arrest.. exams.. manabanana,,, idzy widzy... vikwam.... lish pish...More house arrest - matching mania - MANIA- Ecstatic - confident...Exam.. paniclessness.. drives... things... conversations.. tears... Bridge to Terrabitha... conversations...Lack of conversations...
outbursts... cooling downs.. Comfortable again.. almost... more mania... ecstatic.. waiting.. anticipating... Happy... Waiting..
Its new... and.. not altogether unfamiliar...
I like it...

And hence - Dhantadantada :D

No Pshk for a while: P