Tomorrow

Maybe this goes out to someone,
Maybe this is for me and me alone..

Maybe after very long, something bothered me this much,
Maybe its bothered me for a while but I finally have the courage to confront it,

For once this isn't about me..
But then maybe its just about me...

Placebo is a substance or procedure a patient accepts as medicine or therapy, but which has no specific therapeutic activity. Any therapeutic effect is thought to be based on the power of suggestion.

So whats the placebo?
The Drug? or the Ritual to get off it?
The Feeling itself? or the hurt that one deals with, to rid the feeling?
The aspiration? or the road to getting there?

And if each is as likely to be the placebo - something that has so specific therapeutic consequences - then why does any of these things happen at all.

No this isn't unreal - far from it. Because it pricks and hurts. Because it leads to tears. Because we love and will continue to..and hence care and continue to. Because it doesn't stop when you ignore it for long enough. Because these things don't grab you at your strongest time - instead they do at your most vulnerable time...

When you look at someone hurt on the road, someone drowning in the lake or falling off the cliff - you lend a hand and more. Giving up isn't an options some of these times... not because you really want to save the person.. but because you don't want to face your own guilt for not trying hard enough for the rest of your life...

Today is one such confrontation...
Maybe its time to reach out...
Maybe its time to convince yourself against worrying about things that you can't control...

Each path is difficult - and the commitment permenant.

Maybe Tomorrow decides for itself... what you must do.. or what I must do.
Or maybe tomorrow we can make that decision - that will possibly change our lives forever - and then stick to it.

Dhantadantadapshk...

Ha Ha Ha...
No that word doesn't make sense...
It could be a cool thing to describe a really happy kid jumping around on the road slipping on a banana peal...
Pshk...

But slipping on a banana peal must suck... Here i realize that i am probably spelling peel wrong :P
Oh well..
So as i was saying.. BananaPeal!

No no.. this has nothing to do with my day having gone through off the chats and then fizzled out altogether..No Sir-eee
Its just a fun word...
Dhantadantadapshk!

Anyways.. its established that i'm writing nonsense here... This point - is where you stop reading because you feel the risk of losing your mind!
Oh no.. wait! you have already lost it...
How do i know?
Cos you're reading this Dumbass!!!

hehhee.... I feel so little and evil right now...
Like putting a fart bomb under someone... hm...
thats another Dhantadantadapshk!
Imagine someone on my team *nudde nudge wink wink* At ebm... after a long argument - as one of those always crops up -
and its a crescendo *dhantadantada...* *Sits Down* *PSHK* *Fart* *Smelly Room* *Ridiculous laughter...*

(this event is fictional - any resemblance in real life is purely co-incidental)

You know... i've never really written a narrative about my day... or week or month...
like...
So.. This is the recent news flash from the life and times of Apeksha...

I could try...
Except as it seems right now...
Its looks more like - "Pshktadantadatadnatadatapshktadan....."
Its continuing on a consistant "Tadantadantada!"

Cool.. so lets try...
My Summer...
Was fun - involved travelling - 2nd class trains, shanty outstation busses, maggi and egg omlette, meallessness, but nice meals...
Sessions, Screwups, jives (all time favorites), Tears, Hugs, Tears, Long conversations, more tears...Alcohol, Speeches, bonding, puking, passing out, waking up with dirty alcohol taste...Longer Conversations...Fights, Blames, Pathetic Feeling Days... Feedback (over exaggerated, Unnecessary) ... House arrest.. exams.. manabanana,,, idzy widzy... vikwam.... lish pish...More house arrest - matching mania - MANIA- Ecstatic - confident...Exam.. paniclessness.. drives... things... conversations.. tears... Bridge to Terrabitha... conversations...Lack of conversations...
outbursts... cooling downs.. Comfortable again.. almost... more mania... ecstatic.. waiting.. anticipating... Happy... Waiting..
Its new... and.. not altogether unfamiliar...
I like it...

And hence - Dhantadantada :D

No Pshk for a while: P

Identity Shift

The early morning sunrays zoom through the window right on my eyes... Go away.. I don't want to get up just yet...
But its a new day...
Yeah? So?
So nothing, you should get up.. and maybe do something new...
Hem..and New would be?
Something you haven't done before.. or.. haven't done in a while...
But thats not new... thats old!
No.. its just Old New?
Whatever.. but i see your point.. i should do something different... But why?
Because you haven't in a while?
So?
you haven't changed something about yourself in a while...
Thats not true! I keep changing...unconsciously for sure...and why must i change anyways?
Because change is good.. its refreshing... and changing consciously is an interesting experience...
Yeah thats true...


So what do i feel like changing?
1)My point of view
2)The way my blog looks
3)The way my computer screen looks?
4)Maybe.. the music i listen to...
5) My relationships
6) My sense of humor :P
7) My level of self confidence (i love the way it is at the moment - it should remain this way for a while :))
8) Read and complete a book
9) be comfortable with a mess
10) Start something new :P

yeah.. thats about enough change for a while

Currently listening: I will - The Beatles...

So i'm not your typical 19 year old,
the bains of maturity...
So i don't know your bands and brands,
the bains of not being materialistic...
So i ain't always updated on the latest TV Shows and Movies
the bains of spending quality time with family instead...

I'm not your defination of fun... or normal... sane...
I don't even have definations.. so i won't gauge you just yet...
I probably will gauge myself through your definations instead...
Feel pathetic... backbone- less... swine like...
Oh,What the hell...

So I don't think trying to be something you aren't is cool...
So I try really hard to be true to myself... even though i don't know who myself is very much...
So I go and try to cover all my insecurities, my fears, my deep and dark blahs...
Don't we all ?

So maybe i'm not always true to myself...
So maybe i am trying really hard sometimes to create this impression...
So maybe i'm not always comfortable with being me...
So maybe i self doubt more than i need to...
Maybe i do a lot of things to mess with my head...

whats the point to any of this... not much...except that i could do with some fresh air, a river and cold water right now...
mountains, evenings and cold winds would help...
or just maybe.. it would help to be in that second class compartment, at the steps to climb on to the train...when its zooming past the green mustard fields while the sun streaks out through the thin almost bare from autumn trees... its a while before they'll get fuller... its a while before anyone will get fuller...
But this looks pretty enough at the moment...

Maybe i want to do this so much because i want to run away from the city... from its people... i don't belong here... not in the jazzy malls with the shiney shops and things...
I dont belong here... with all these things... i need to be somewhere real... and its my bad.. that i still don't believe anything anyone makes is real - how can it be... I tore my jeans, painted my wall, tried to be... and its not real... just a make believe attempt...
Its only real as long as you know you can't have done it.. nor could anyone else alive or dead...
mysticism... hah... the bains of a capitalist society!
(and here i thought i almost went a whole blog without big words and jazzy language...)

anyways.. the world goes on.. wil go on... as it has all this while.. people will think they've changed.. when they really havent... people will think other people have changed .. when they really havent...
people will be.. just as they always have...

and i will count down 400 days.. before i pack my bags and leave...