That- is all the activity I have done in the past 36 hrs plus. And here I am blogging about it!
No no.. don't judge me yet.. I have not hit my head and had a concotion, I don't have blood in my frontal lobe thats changing personality traits, I dont have any extra reproductive organs apart from those I'm supposed to and hence there is no hormonal imbalance I am trying to even out by taking strange drugs.
The point is - I like watching greys anatomy - their pathetic workaholic lives remind me in some way of what mine used to be. They work in teams that they don't always get along with. They have relationships that don't always work out. They go through the anxiety of being new in the institution of the surgery ward and they aspire to becoming a resident. And over and above the stress of all that - they deal with people who are sick and need medical attention. Hmpf- Incoming Exchange should be renamed surgery :P
But why its good to watch greys anatomy is because now i know normal people have those emotions too and face the same situations too.. helps me relate to normal people- you know - being nice to family, making sure work delegated to me is done - generally engaging in family gossip and things. Its like a reintegration procedure...hmm..
Anyways thats as uneventful as it gets at the moment. I'm thinking of doing things now - generally being efficient with something - you know, living a non slob like existance.
So I shall go and do that. And in the mean while leave you with the fact that my body is awesome! I have done no physical activity in 2 days and eaten about 1 litre of ice cream thats heavy in cream and calories. And i have not put on even a few more grams of extra weight! Point being - it only puts on healthy weight - and magically flushes out unhealthy weight!
I think i should be the next medical research :P
Saturday, December 27, 2008
The Girl Next Door
I think I could get used to this "blogging everyday" thing. I thought so yesterday anyways. And then i didnt blog.
So today i shall post about yesterday and about a mostly uneventful today - in 2 different posts mostly because i know what I want the title to be.
So yesterday was interesting - not delightfully.. it could really have been better. For starters i blew off 500 bucks on a fucked up pasta and a breezer and my heart burns at the thought of the beautiful fettuchini and white sauce I would have got at little italy for about the same price. Then we drove around.. and had some really good doughnuts. The drive was mostly uneventful - which i would say is a good thing, cos it was closer to being eventful in a really bad way if it had to be eventful at all..
Anyways.. the pursuit of yesterday was mostly to figure out what "The Girl Next Door" is like? How does she dress? what kind of music is she into? what sort of conversations do you have with her? Whats she like as a person?
Of course I got diametrically opposite answers from different men. From hot boobs-long hair-sports bra wearing-model-who changes with windows open so guys can oogle- to Metal listening-punk-chinky - the definations of the "girl next door" as i figure, are quite whopped.
Anyhow, as always wikipedia comes to the rescue... defines the girl next door as the american stereotype of the girl thats the same class as the male protagonist of the story. One whos feminine and average at almost everything....
The betty cooper types..
Now, I remember liking betty cooper - in school! thinking i'd be the friend she is, i'd be as low maintainance as she is, i'd be as smart and hard working as she is... you know the kinds that would go to an old age home with chocolates on a wasted saturday morning and would heal the dog who hurt himself on the road...
I used to vaguely be that person i remember... love songs i heard and love stories i read...all starry eyed for my prince charming to ride along...
But i think the past 5 years have worked as a disillusionment of sorts - i mean.. don't you think? If you knew me between 2004 and now - you know you've been a part of making me this person.
And if you think of that - i dont really mind being somewhat or the girl next door... but i'd also like to be the feminist, marxist, development economics and politics studying girl...
Of course a compromise has to be met.. I know you don't like too much of either... You almost started my path from being girl next door to getting here.. and now you're going to have to anchor me the other way :)
Have always been the balanced one.. haven't you...
Well help me balance this then :)
So today i shall post about yesterday and about a mostly uneventful today - in 2 different posts mostly because i know what I want the title to be.
So yesterday was interesting - not delightfully.. it could really have been better. For starters i blew off 500 bucks on a fucked up pasta and a breezer and my heart burns at the thought of the beautiful fettuchini and white sauce I would have got at little italy for about the same price. Then we drove around.. and had some really good doughnuts. The drive was mostly uneventful - which i would say is a good thing, cos it was closer to being eventful in a really bad way if it had to be eventful at all..
Anyways.. the pursuit of yesterday was mostly to figure out what "The Girl Next Door" is like? How does she dress? what kind of music is she into? what sort of conversations do you have with her? Whats she like as a person?
Of course I got diametrically opposite answers from different men. From hot boobs-long hair-sports bra wearing-model-who changes with windows open so guys can oogle- to Metal listening-punk-chinky - the definations of the "girl next door" as i figure, are quite whopped.
Anyhow, as always wikipedia comes to the rescue... defines the girl next door as the american stereotype of the girl thats the same class as the male protagonist of the story. One whos feminine and average at almost everything....
The betty cooper types..
Now, I remember liking betty cooper - in school! thinking i'd be the friend she is, i'd be as low maintainance as she is, i'd be as smart and hard working as she is... you know the kinds that would go to an old age home with chocolates on a wasted saturday morning and would heal the dog who hurt himself on the road...
I used to vaguely be that person i remember... love songs i heard and love stories i read...all starry eyed for my prince charming to ride along...
But i think the past 5 years have worked as a disillusionment of sorts - i mean.. don't you think? If you knew me between 2004 and now - you know you've been a part of making me this person.
And if you think of that - i dont really mind being somewhat or the girl next door... but i'd also like to be the feminist, marxist, development economics and politics studying girl...
Of course a compromise has to be met.. I know you don't like too much of either... You almost started my path from being girl next door to getting here.. and now you're going to have to anchor me the other way :)
Have always been the balanced one.. haven't you...
Well help me balance this then :)
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Hot Coffee with Almonds and Whipped Cream
Sigh. How little old me craves for that thing kushank had at barista the other day. I would do a fair amount to go back to Barista and have it if I had someone to go with me. Unfortunately I don't. Because most people I would like to be around at this point in time, without their presence being annoying, are busy with other people doing other things, jamming, partying, smoking ^ or out of town! and new ideas come to mind now, damnit!
But in a way its a blessing that people are busy. Reminds me that at this point I don't want to be partying or jamming or sitting around while people smoke ^. I won't mind travelling. But then I will never mind travelling. The point is that people being busy with things I dont want to do fits in with the isolation plan. Catching up on reads and movies and shows and sleep and studies (most importantly!)
I figured just now that a new number target needs to be made. Thanks to Mr Varun Punjabi and LSE my brain actually works on the lines of numbers now. Not performing mathematical operations on them - just mostly working with them.
My exam timetable is out. The godforesaken exams start on the 7th of May and go on till 5th of June. May is going to be a LONG month. As I look at it, that slims my chances of making it to april lcong if it happens anytime after the 15th. Bummer. At this point I realize that its time I stop looking at all events in my life from an AIESEC perspective.
Withdrawal symptoms are strong. And the reactions are entertaining in retrospect.Not in that moment...
But its good. I've been doing things the AIESECer Apeksha hasn't done in a while... Like listen to Dido and other pop chick singers/bands. I've also been getting drunk on nice alcohol :) Long Island Ice Tea is the shit! :P
Overblown ego is self deflating - which is a very very good thing. Speaking to old friends and catching up and the likes has happened.
I watched Kung Fu Panda today. Feel like doing a watching marathon... what to watch? Grey's anatomy would be ideal - except no one gives it to me (hmpf). Not in a dexter mood. Maybe OC but dont have that either!
Shall watch something - thats mostly pop-y and non deep/intellectual/strong/thought provoking types.
And siddhant the angel just told me he'd give them all to me. So I will be off to pick up my quota of of senseless watches :P
More from appyland soon
But in a way its a blessing that people are busy. Reminds me that at this point I don't want to be partying or jamming or sitting around while people smoke ^. I won't mind travelling. But then I will never mind travelling. The point is that people being busy with things I dont want to do fits in with the isolation plan. Catching up on reads and movies and shows and sleep and studies (most importantly!)
I figured just now that a new number target needs to be made. Thanks to Mr Varun Punjabi and LSE my brain actually works on the lines of numbers now. Not performing mathematical operations on them - just mostly working with them.
My exam timetable is out. The godforesaken exams start on the 7th of May and go on till 5th of June. May is going to be a LONG month. As I look at it, that slims my chances of making it to april lcong if it happens anytime after the 15th. Bummer. At this point I realize that its time I stop looking at all events in my life from an AIESEC perspective.
Withdrawal symptoms are strong. And the reactions are entertaining in retrospect.Not in that moment...
But its good. I've been doing things the AIESECer Apeksha hasn't done in a while... Like listen to Dido and other pop chick singers/bands. I've also been getting drunk on nice alcohol :) Long Island Ice Tea is the shit! :P
Overblown ego is self deflating - which is a very very good thing. Speaking to old friends and catching up and the likes has happened.
I watched Kung Fu Panda today. Feel like doing a watching marathon... what to watch? Grey's anatomy would be ideal - except no one gives it to me (hmpf). Not in a dexter mood. Maybe OC but dont have that either!
Shall watch something - thats mostly pop-y and non deep/intellectual/strong/thought provoking types.
And siddhant the angel just told me he'd give them all to me. So I will be off to pick up my quota of of senseless watches :P
More from appyland soon
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Closing in on a new beginning
Its that time in life again, when change is around the corner, sitting there, waiting for me to walk those last few almost familiar blocks before I turn towards unknown territory. In restrospect, the turmoil that was created the previous time - the attachment, detachment, dreams and realities and the constant war between them made me more comfortable than I should have been with familiar. The idea of change was appealing - but clinging on to the idea of radical change made me doubt the power of subtle but in reality stronger and more sustainable change.
But around now, I get that feeling in me again - for radical change. This time its more something I feel is going to happen externally and I am going to be the one making it as less radical and as more subtle as possible, Unlike last time when it was the other way around.
But change is in order and there are things and people I will have to leave behind - some forcibly so, and most painfully so. Of course it feels like this has everything to do with me leaving AIESEC - but thats not true. Yes, it is a major contributor to a lot of these feelings. But there are things about me that I discover/ rather re-discover every single day. Friendships that I ran away from seem strangely appealing. Conversations and perspectives I looked down upon seem more tolerable. The need to be in the limelight constantly reducing because the urge to find me is so much stronger.
It feels like going into a shell and then rolling around in the vast space there is. Remake that distinction between self and other.
As the new beginning come closer (as i much rather call it than the end of days) I feel the need to rekindle passion. Last time around - there was AIESEC - for showing me movies, presentations, perspectives and inspire me for the sake of inspiration. Now there needs to be a new passion - a more realistic passion - a more universal passion.
There need to be a new set of leaders who I am awestruck by. There need to be comraderies for the same goal. There needs to be passion within those set of people to fight - to really fight. To fight hunger, war, terrorism, inequality... to fight against all that is wrong... or one thing - but with so much strength and energy. Go sleepless nights, sacrifice, suffer - but feel content...
Yes this all seems like AIESEC - but its really not about that right now. Its about me finding myself - not again - but a new self - wrapping up all that i have been in the 2 decades of my existance and creating a synthesis that I start real life with... before the next Revolution of course!
But around now, I get that feeling in me again - for radical change. This time its more something I feel is going to happen externally and I am going to be the one making it as less radical and as more subtle as possible, Unlike last time when it was the other way around.
But change is in order and there are things and people I will have to leave behind - some forcibly so, and most painfully so. Of course it feels like this has everything to do with me leaving AIESEC - but thats not true. Yes, it is a major contributor to a lot of these feelings. But there are things about me that I discover/ rather re-discover every single day. Friendships that I ran away from seem strangely appealing. Conversations and perspectives I looked down upon seem more tolerable. The need to be in the limelight constantly reducing because the urge to find me is so much stronger.
It feels like going into a shell and then rolling around in the vast space there is. Remake that distinction between self and other.
As the new beginning come closer (as i much rather call it than the end of days) I feel the need to rekindle passion. Last time around - there was AIESEC - for showing me movies, presentations, perspectives and inspire me for the sake of inspiration. Now there needs to be a new passion - a more realistic passion - a more universal passion.
There need to be a new set of leaders who I am awestruck by. There need to be comraderies for the same goal. There needs to be passion within those set of people to fight - to really fight. To fight hunger, war, terrorism, inequality... to fight against all that is wrong... or one thing - but with so much strength and energy. Go sleepless nights, sacrifice, suffer - but feel content...
Yes this all seems like AIESEC - but its really not about that right now. Its about me finding myself - not again - but a new self - wrapping up all that i have been in the 2 decades of my existance and creating a synthesis that I start real life with... before the next Revolution of course!
Monday, November 10, 2008
Weeding Out
Vulnerablities.
Many many of them.
Highly uncomfortable.
Don't want to be this way.
Hate being this way.
Hate feeling like this.
Hate needing someone.
Hate needing people in general.
Hate needing solidarity.
Hate needing. Period.
Hate loving someone so much.
Hate not having someone.
Hate watching people with other people.
Hate hoping "someday".
Hate feeling like this. Period.
Hate aspiration.
Hate day dreams.
Hate change.
Hate decisions.
Hate jealousy. Period.
Hate the want to rebuild myself.
Love the want also.
Want to grow again.
Want to become a different person.
Hate how difficult it is...
Hoping the result is worth it.
Many many of them.
Highly uncomfortable.
Don't want to be this way.
Hate being this way.
Hate feeling like this.
Hate needing someone.
Hate needing people in general.
Hate needing solidarity.
Hate needing. Period.
Hate loving someone so much.
Hate not having someone.
Hate watching people with other people.
Hate hoping "someday".
Hate feeling like this. Period.
Hate aspiration.
Hate day dreams.
Hate change.
Hate decisions.
Hate jealousy. Period.
Hate the want to rebuild myself.
Love the want also.
Want to grow again.
Want to become a different person.
Hate how difficult it is...
Hoping the result is worth it.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Tomorrow
Maybe this goes out to someone,
Maybe this is for me and me alone..
Maybe after very long, something bothered me this much,
Maybe its bothered me for a while but I finally have the courage to confront it,
For once this isn't about me..
But then maybe its just about me...
Placebo is a substance or procedure a patient accepts as medicine or therapy, but which has no specific therapeutic activity. Any therapeutic effect is thought to be based on the power of suggestion.
So whats the placebo?
The Drug? or the Ritual to get off it?
The Feeling itself? or the hurt that one deals with, to rid the feeling?
The aspiration? or the road to getting there?
And if each is as likely to be the placebo - something that has so specific therapeutic consequences - then why does any of these things happen at all.
No this isn't unreal - far from it. Because it pricks and hurts. Because it leads to tears. Because we love and will continue to..and hence care and continue to. Because it doesn't stop when you ignore it for long enough. Because these things don't grab you at your strongest time - instead they do at your most vulnerable time...
When you look at someone hurt on the road, someone drowning in the lake or falling off the cliff - you lend a hand and more. Giving up isn't an options some of these times... not because you really want to save the person.. but because you don't want to face your own guilt for not trying hard enough for the rest of your life...
Today is one such confrontation...
Maybe its time to reach out...
Maybe its time to convince yourself against worrying about things that you can't control...
Each path is difficult - and the commitment permenant.
Maybe Tomorrow decides for itself... what you must do.. or what I must do.
Or maybe tomorrow we can make that decision - that will possibly change our lives forever - and then stick to it.
Maybe this is for me and me alone..
Maybe after very long, something bothered me this much,
Maybe its bothered me for a while but I finally have the courage to confront it,
For once this isn't about me..
But then maybe its just about me...
Placebo is a substance or procedure a patient accepts as medicine or therapy, but which has no specific therapeutic activity. Any therapeutic effect is thought to be based on the power of suggestion.
So whats the placebo?
The Drug? or the Ritual to get off it?
The Feeling itself? or the hurt that one deals with, to rid the feeling?
The aspiration? or the road to getting there?
And if each is as likely to be the placebo - something that has so specific therapeutic consequences - then why does any of these things happen at all.
No this isn't unreal - far from it. Because it pricks and hurts. Because it leads to tears. Because we love and will continue to..and hence care and continue to. Because it doesn't stop when you ignore it for long enough. Because these things don't grab you at your strongest time - instead they do at your most vulnerable time...
When you look at someone hurt on the road, someone drowning in the lake or falling off the cliff - you lend a hand and more. Giving up isn't an options some of these times... not because you really want to save the person.. but because you don't want to face your own guilt for not trying hard enough for the rest of your life...
Today is one such confrontation...
Maybe its time to reach out...
Maybe its time to convince yourself against worrying about things that you can't control...
Each path is difficult - and the commitment permenant.
Maybe Tomorrow decides for itself... what you must do.. or what I must do.
Or maybe tomorrow we can make that decision - that will possibly change our lives forever - and then stick to it.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Dhantadantadapshk...
Ha Ha Ha...
No that word doesn't make sense...
It could be a cool thing to describe a really happy kid jumping around on the road slipping on a banana peal...
Pshk...
But slipping on a banana peal must suck... Here i realize that i am probably spelling peel wrong :P
Oh well..
So as i was saying.. BananaPeal!
No no.. this has nothing to do with my day having gone through off the chats and then fizzled out altogether..No Sir-eee
Its just a fun word...
Dhantadantadapshk!
Anyways.. its established that i'm writing nonsense here... This point - is where you stop reading because you feel the risk of losing your mind!
Oh no.. wait! you have already lost it...
How do i know?
Cos you're reading this Dumbass!!!
hehhee.... I feel so little and evil right now...
Like putting a fart bomb under someone... hm...
thats another Dhantadantadapshk!
Imagine someone on my team *nudde nudge wink wink* At ebm... after a long argument - as one of those always crops up -
and its a crescendo *dhantadantada...* *Sits Down* *PSHK* *Fart* *Smelly Room* *Ridiculous laughter...*
(this event is fictional - any resemblance in real life is purely co-incidental)
You know... i've never really written a narrative about my day... or week or month...
like...
So.. This is the recent news flash from the life and times of Apeksha...
I could try...
Except as it seems right now...
Its looks more like - "Pshktadantadatadnatadatapshktadan....."
Its continuing on a consistant "Tadantadantada!"
Cool.. so lets try...
My Summer...
Was fun - involved travelling - 2nd class trains, shanty outstation busses, maggi and egg omlette, meallessness, but nice meals...
Sessions, Screwups, jives (all time favorites), Tears, Hugs, Tears, Long conversations, more tears...Alcohol, Speeches, bonding, puking, passing out, waking up with dirty alcohol taste...Longer Conversations...Fights, Blames, Pathetic Feeling Days... Feedback (over exaggerated, Unnecessary) ... House arrest.. exams.. manabanana,,, idzy widzy... vikwam.... lish pish...More house arrest - matching mania - MANIA- Ecstatic - confident...Exam.. paniclessness.. drives... things... conversations.. tears... Bridge to Terrabitha... conversations...Lack of conversations...
outbursts... cooling downs.. Comfortable again.. almost... more mania... ecstatic.. waiting.. anticipating... Happy... Waiting..
Its new... and.. not altogether unfamiliar...
I like it...
And hence - Dhantadantada :D
No Pshk for a while: P
No that word doesn't make sense...
It could be a cool thing to describe a really happy kid jumping around on the road slipping on a banana peal...
Pshk...
But slipping on a banana peal must suck... Here i realize that i am probably spelling peel wrong :P
Oh well..
So as i was saying.. BananaPeal!
No no.. this has nothing to do with my day having gone through off the chats and then fizzled out altogether..No Sir-eee
Its just a fun word...
Dhantadantadapshk!
Anyways.. its established that i'm writing nonsense here... This point - is where you stop reading because you feel the risk of losing your mind!
Oh no.. wait! you have already lost it...
How do i know?
Cos you're reading this Dumbass!!!
hehhee.... I feel so little and evil right now...
Like putting a fart bomb under someone... hm...
thats another Dhantadantadapshk!
Imagine someone on my team *nudde nudge wink wink* At ebm... after a long argument - as one of those always crops up -
and its a crescendo *dhantadantada...* *Sits Down* *PSHK* *Fart* *Smelly Room* *Ridiculous laughter...*
(this event is fictional - any resemblance in real life is purely co-incidental)
You know... i've never really written a narrative about my day... or week or month...
like...
So.. This is the recent news flash from the life and times of Apeksha...
I could try...
Except as it seems right now...
Its looks more like - "Pshktadantadatadnatadatapshktadan....."
Its continuing on a consistant "Tadantadantada!"
Cool.. so lets try...
My Summer...
Was fun - involved travelling - 2nd class trains, shanty outstation busses, maggi and egg omlette, meallessness, but nice meals...
Sessions, Screwups, jives (all time favorites), Tears, Hugs, Tears, Long conversations, more tears...Alcohol, Speeches, bonding, puking, passing out, waking up with dirty alcohol taste...Longer Conversations...Fights, Blames, Pathetic Feeling Days... Feedback (over exaggerated, Unnecessary) ... House arrest.. exams.. manabanana,,, idzy widzy... vikwam.... lish pish...More house arrest - matching mania - MANIA- Ecstatic - confident...Exam.. paniclessness.. drives... things... conversations.. tears... Bridge to Terrabitha... conversations...Lack of conversations...
outbursts... cooling downs.. Comfortable again.. almost... more mania... ecstatic.. waiting.. anticipating... Happy... Waiting..
Its new... and.. not altogether unfamiliar...
I like it...
And hence - Dhantadantada :D
No Pshk for a while: P
Monday, May 19, 2008
Identity Shift
The early morning sunrays zoom through the window right on my eyes... Go away.. I don't want to get up just yet...
But its a new day...
Yeah? So?
So nothing, you should get up.. and maybe do something new...
Hem..and New would be?
Something you haven't done before.. or.. haven't done in a while...
But thats not new... thats old!
No.. its just Old New?
Whatever.. but i see your point.. i should do something different... But why?
Because you haven't in a while?
So?
you haven't changed something about yourself in a while...
Thats not true! I keep changing...unconsciously for sure...and why must i change anyways?
Because change is good.. its refreshing... and changing consciously is an interesting experience...
Yeah thats true...
So what do i feel like changing?
1)My point of view
2)The way my blog looks
3)The way my computer screen looks?
4)Maybe.. the music i listen to...
5) My relationships
6) My sense of humor :P
7) My level of self confidence (i love the way it is at the moment - it should remain this way for a while :))
8) Read and complete a book
9) be comfortable with a mess
10) Start something new :P
yeah.. thats about enough change for a while
But its a new day...
Yeah? So?
So nothing, you should get up.. and maybe do something new...
Hem..and New would be?
Something you haven't done before.. or.. haven't done in a while...
But thats not new... thats old!
No.. its just Old New?
Whatever.. but i see your point.. i should do something different... But why?
Because you haven't in a while?
So?
you haven't changed something about yourself in a while...
Thats not true! I keep changing...unconsciously for sure...and why must i change anyways?
Because change is good.. its refreshing... and changing consciously is an interesting experience...
Yeah thats true...
So what do i feel like changing?
1)My point of view
2)The way my blog looks
3)The way my computer screen looks?
4)Maybe.. the music i listen to...
5) My relationships
6) My sense of humor :P
7) My level of self confidence (i love the way it is at the moment - it should remain this way for a while :))
8) Read and complete a book
9) be comfortable with a mess
10) Start something new :P
yeah.. thats about enough change for a while
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Currently listening: I will - The Beatles...
So i'm not your typical 19 year old,
the bains of maturity...
So i don't know your bands and brands,
the bains of not being materialistic...
So i ain't always updated on the latest TV Shows and Movies
the bains of spending quality time with family instead...
I'm not your defination of fun... or normal... sane...
I don't even have definations.. so i won't gauge you just yet...
I probably will gauge myself through your definations instead...
Feel pathetic... backbone- less... swine like...
Oh,What the hell...
So I don't think trying to be something you aren't is cool...
So I try really hard to be true to myself... even though i don't know who myself is very much...
So I go and try to cover all my insecurities, my fears, my deep and dark blahs...
Don't we all ?
So maybe i'm not always true to myself...
So maybe i am trying really hard sometimes to create this impression...
So maybe i'm not always comfortable with being me...
So maybe i self doubt more than i need to...
Maybe i do a lot of things to mess with my head...
whats the point to any of this... not much...except that i could do with some fresh air, a river and cold water right now...
mountains, evenings and cold winds would help...
or just maybe.. it would help to be in that second class compartment, at the steps to climb on to the train...when its zooming past the green mustard fields while the sun streaks out through the thin almost bare from autumn trees... its a while before they'll get fuller... its a while before anyone will get fuller...
But this looks pretty enough at the moment...
Maybe i want to do this so much because i want to run away from the city... from its people... i don't belong here... not in the jazzy malls with the shiney shops and things...
I dont belong here... with all these things... i need to be somewhere real... and its my bad.. that i still don't believe anything anyone makes is real - how can it be... I tore my jeans, painted my wall, tried to be... and its not real... just a make believe attempt...
Its only real as long as you know you can't have done it.. nor could anyone else alive or dead...
mysticism... hah... the bains of a capitalist society!
(and here i thought i almost went a whole blog without big words and jazzy language...)
anyways.. the world goes on.. wil go on... as it has all this while.. people will think they've changed.. when they really havent... people will think other people have changed .. when they really havent...
people will be.. just as they always have...
and i will count down 400 days.. before i pack my bags and leave...
the bains of maturity...
So i don't know your bands and brands,
the bains of not being materialistic...
So i ain't always updated on the latest TV Shows and Movies
the bains of spending quality time with family instead...
I'm not your defination of fun... or normal... sane...
I don't even have definations.. so i won't gauge you just yet...
I probably will gauge myself through your definations instead...
Feel pathetic... backbone- less... swine like...
Oh,What the hell...
So I don't think trying to be something you aren't is cool...
So I try really hard to be true to myself... even though i don't know who myself is very much...
So I go and try to cover all my insecurities, my fears, my deep and dark blahs...
Don't we all ?
So maybe i'm not always true to myself...
So maybe i am trying really hard sometimes to create this impression...
So maybe i'm not always comfortable with being me...
So maybe i self doubt more than i need to...
Maybe i do a lot of things to mess with my head...
whats the point to any of this... not much...except that i could do with some fresh air, a river and cold water right now...
mountains, evenings and cold winds would help...
or just maybe.. it would help to be in that second class compartment, at the steps to climb on to the train...when its zooming past the green mustard fields while the sun streaks out through the thin almost bare from autumn trees... its a while before they'll get fuller... its a while before anyone will get fuller...
But this looks pretty enough at the moment...
Maybe i want to do this so much because i want to run away from the city... from its people... i don't belong here... not in the jazzy malls with the shiney shops and things...
I dont belong here... with all these things... i need to be somewhere real... and its my bad.. that i still don't believe anything anyone makes is real - how can it be... I tore my jeans, painted my wall, tried to be... and its not real... just a make believe attempt...
Its only real as long as you know you can't have done it.. nor could anyone else alive or dead...
mysticism... hah... the bains of a capitalist society!
(and here i thought i almost went a whole blog without big words and jazzy language...)
anyways.. the world goes on.. wil go on... as it has all this while.. people will think they've changed.. when they really havent... people will think other people have changed .. when they really havent...
people will be.. just as they always have...
and i will count down 400 days.. before i pack my bags and leave...
Friday, April 18, 2008
I will not Reason or Compare!
I really must write...
I really must study as well.. but that can wait for a while as it does always...
I really must get over what I just heard - It has no base stronger than a bunch of floating gossip and frustrated vent-outs...
I really must believe in myself more than this....
I really must not get so shaken so easily....
And lastly... In the words of William Blake (as the need to be reminded of him more than ever in the recent past)
I must create a system, or be enslaved by another mans,
I will not reason or compare,
My Business is to create....
Its amazing how this has stuck to me... and defined my life again and again and again for 7 years!
And once again....
I really must study as well.. but that can wait for a while as it does always...
I really must get over what I just heard - It has no base stronger than a bunch of floating gossip and frustrated vent-outs...
I really must believe in myself more than this....
I really must not get so shaken so easily....
And lastly... In the words of William Blake (as the need to be reminded of him more than ever in the recent past)
I must create a system, or be enslaved by another mans,
I will not reason or compare,
My Business is to create....
Its amazing how this has stuck to me... and defined my life again and again and again for 7 years!
And once again....
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