Dear 17 and a half readers of my Blog,

I have finally decided to take up writing more seriously and hence will blog more seriously - as opposed to the compilation of frustrated vent outs that this one is.
The new blog is quite fancy, with anonymity and everything. So once i do finish the process of exam giving and move on with real life, I will update that one a lot more than I will this.

This one will still remain of course... when I do get frustrated or on occasions when I want to write things that I would not be comfortable with the world reading.. since I know the readership of this blog will remain to the limited 17 and a half people
(given that this blog has been visited 160 times over the past 2 years(!!) I can be sure of privacy here!)

Anyhoo...
The new blog is sunlightdancing.wordpress.com

If you have linked me on your blog, can you please make a tiny alteration there :)

Thank you very much :D
Much Love...
See you soon...

On some days I want to be this person,
On other days I want to be another…
And though my visions of me vary through the day,
At the end of it they come and rest with you.

On some days I want to live in a studio,
On other days I’ll settle for a cottage in the hills…
And though each is tastefully done,
Neither is home, without you.

On some days I’m waiting for my prince on a white horse,
On other days I know I’ll make it, all alone…
And though my boundaries are always a blur,
You always know where to step in through.

On some days I want to zoom past months and years,
On other days I don’t want the day to end…
And though I pace in and out of real life,
All through the journey, it’s always you and me.

The Tide Has Turned

16th May 2009 saw an unexpected but extremely heartening election result. One thought we would face a hung house. One thought the 3rd front with all its rebellion would almost drive it down to people in india. One expected overconfident L.K Advani to almost achieve his ambition but instead he will have to end his career in politics and BJP on a big low. But neither happened. Instead the strongest and most appropriate candidate won and deluded people got a much needed eye opener. Luckily they were weeded out and a strong and inspiring and inspiring leadership will lead the country to a peak we have not yet seen and out more out of the darkness than any government has managed so far.

Doesn't it remind us of another set of elections that happened late last year. *ermhm*

But I am euphoric. I am finally believing in the fact that politics is really truly about leadership - not just power. Yes of course there is a strong chance that I am being naive - but well - too bad. Because I will believe, because i need to believe - that Mr Manmohan Singh is the least of all evils. That Rahul Gandhi deserves every bit of the appluad because he has worked very very hard to ensure the congress win and also taken difficult and controversial decisions that eventually came out fruitful.
I believe that Sachin Pilot deserves to be on a cabinet because he's a young agriculturalist - and we need people, youth, that have treaded an unconditional path to succeed so that we grow with better role models and when someone thinks of career options after 10th and 12th grade - can look at someone as smart and young (and hot) as sachin pilot and realize that there is more than Medicine-engineering-MBA- Media-Lifestyle oppottunity in the world.

I want Indian democracy to get to a stage where a development economist with a PhD from LSE will be churn out yearly budgets and a potential UN gen sec handles the foriegn affairs of the country and an agriculturalist handles Rural Development and a Lawyer handles home ministry.

Yes it sounds very Pop Culture Politics - but well screw anyone of you who thinks that way - I am an optimist and will remain.
But anyone whos bitter needs to stop being a sore loser and realize that they were not able to get the PM reelected into a second term after 1 full term. Nor were their election results able to shoot the sensex up by 2000 points in 1 minute of trading in the day. Nor were they able to chuck the likes of Mr Yadav, Mr Paswan and the hypocritical Left out of power.

And yes: I need to justify my dislike of the left to those of you who percieve me as a Commie (which i am NOT- I could be marxist - but theres a difference!)
So Yes - The Left party has made a mockery of the ideology, of the power they held and of their elitist concept of how to eradicate poverty. And hypocracy of any sort is annoying. So no I don't idealize Mr Karat.

I think Mr Ahluwalia has and will do better for poverty eradication and other developmental issues than elitist Mr Karat at any rate.

So Basically : Jai Ho!

Today my faith in leadership comes back to life from the grave in which it had recently been locked away - for obvious other reasons.

Booing Monkey!

So There are 2 new links that you can detour to when my blog gets slightly boring. Unlike my psuedo serious/absolutely mindless blog - these 2 are pieces of art and in the least entertaining :)

These belong to All Time Best Friend Manasi and her Long Time Boyfriend KC :)
Both of who are animating at NiD!

Now ofcourse for creatively challenged people - especially with the visual arts - such as myself ... It is only awe-worthy !
This is an example of what one of them can make after a satisfying meal, in between conversations and in absolutely no time.
Please find more where this came from Here and Here
Signing out...

With A Little Help From My Friends

The past few days have been those happy days - where you realize that those that are our of sight are not out of mind... and vice versa...
So the highlights of my past few days were

1) The super long conversation with aziza-with the kind of aiesec bitching and coming back to life conversations that only she and I are capable of having and understanding each other... It was amazing how we were speaking on such abstract levels and getting each other every detail.. and how we were able to talk of one detail and get the abstract idea :) A signature Zazu Appy conversations... I miss them very very much... but its a relief to know I can still have them.

2) D, Bil and Shrey waking up at 5:30 in the morning to make sure I'm awake and going back to sleep. I mean, I had almost forgotten I had friends who would do that for me - and to my mind its the ultimate nice thing to do for me! It was such an awesome reminder, that fading in and out with friends doesnt really change how much they care for you (and you for them) and what you are willing to do to help them and be a part of their day to day life - in whatever little way :)

3) Saloni Gifted me a book I'd been looking for for over a year... with a little thank you card :)

And of course long drives and conversations and the likes ....and the random popping out of absolutely no where to say "Hey, Whats Up?" like a reminder of sorts that "hey, I am still a part of your life"

Exam season is not so bad... after all... I get by with a little help from my friends :)

Zen and The Art of Smooth Clutch Work...

I Love Driving. Its one of those things I obsessively think about... I also obsessively think while driving, and write the best blogposts about mostly nothing and everything in my head, which I forget as soon as I park my car.

Anyways, driving has been an all new experience since the UVA came into my life. For anyone who is wondering about the Red Zen, She's still a part of the family (and no - that is not the zen i'm refering to in the title... I'm talking more about the deep insight into life and nirvana attaining type things) But the Red Zen is more my Best Friend... and she likes to take things slow and steady... while the UVA - HE is my lover! He's Fast, Smooth, and Tall - Dark- Handsome :D ... If he wore shirts, I'd probably marry him! (He still needs a name though... friendly suggestions will be appreciated :) )

Back from the little deviation... My most recent driving and life related spark of enlightenment has to do with how shifting gears smoothly without feeling the jerks is quite an art... as is moving from one phase of life to another without hiccups or any change of pace or anything that will create any discomfort to yourself or those travelling with (living around /part of your life) people.

You know like you push it to a 40 on second gear and smoothly move to 3rd gear in a way no one has any idea that a gear was changed - you just smoothly go on faster ahead together... and then in rough patches... you increase your guard, go back to second, maybe even 1st gear... stick to the basics of clutch and break and avoid causing discomfort people you would otherwise bang into or kill if you didnt reduce your pace during traffic jams

Its quite a deep theory really - although i haven't quite been able to decide what the gear-clutch combo's equivalent in real life would be. It could be the pace at which you let people enter your life , it could be the pace of your relationships, it could be the effect of things you do and then the other things you do once you cease doing the former... It could be a lot of things...

But just as it takes a while to get the judgement right now how much clutch to leave and how much accy to press at what gear, it takes a while (in age) to sharpen judgement tools on relationships and such things...

But now that this association has been made, I will invariably think of life in terms of what gear im living it in, whether theres scope to go faster or what...

So heres to a fun drive?

She got to his house by 7 something in the evening. His house was empty and she managed to figure a way of staying out without objection or awkward questions.

He was in his dimly lit room with the bedside lamp, a book in his hand and a beer on the side table (the fact that she noticed a coaster under it gave her goosebumps... the good kind). He looked at her and put his book aside and sat up straight to...lets just say, acknowledge her presence. She went over to the little pouffee on the other side of the bed to leave her stuff and then plonked herself on the bed as well.

For a while they made small talk, his day, her day, his book, her books (texts) and people in general. Then they decided on a movie which he put on, on the cool wall mount plasma TV across his bed. They made arrangements for the requisite muchies, alcohol (in this case, a bottle of white wine) and made the ac super cold so they needed a blanket. There was strategically just one big blanket used.

The movie started, and while he seemed to watch it rather intently, she thought about them in that moment and how almost perfect it was. Except it was not, because they were not together. It was a decision they had made so to speak for a gammot of reasons that in this moment made no sense to her whatsoever.

He noticed how she had suddenly become so dreamy eyed and knew she hadn't the smallest idea of what the movie was about. He knew what she was thinking. He moved closer to her and leaned over and kissed her shoulder while his hands moved up her hands and to her waist. He kissed further up, on her neck, and then got into a more comfortable position to do what they were about to do next, not before he switched the TV off and put on music instead (god bless remote control).

He had this way around her, that no one else had. It varied directly to the quantity of alcohol he had. He was unpredictable and could make her go weak in the knees with simple things like a kiss on the forehead, or smelling her shoulder asking her what fragrance she was wearing or pulling her close to him with just the right quantity of strength, or just the most non chalant witty reference to a movie they had watched together.

On this particular day, he was doing the equivalent of all of this combined and maybe adding some other new things he had decided to try while he was away. She had moves too now as opposed to passively letting him do his thing. This took him by surprise... very pleasantly so.

After a decently long session of mouth to mouth or mouth to skin, they broke apart for a wine break. He sat on the bed with his legs straight and she rested on his bare chest. He held her by the arm that he wasnt using to hold the wine. She used her free and to hold his. And there was silence

"Are you okay with all of this" ,He unexpectedly asked her, breaking their divine silence.

"No" , She replied, being blatantly honest. " And you?"

"Well, I thought I would be...."

"But"

"I'm not either."

This to her was strangely reassuring although she didn't know what to say post this point and greatly dreaded the outcome of whatever conversation was to follow next. She loved their silence.

" So, what then", she was obliged to ask, since he brought up the conversation.

"You know as much as I do, which is collectively the size of a really really small peanut." They Giggled.

He kissed the back of her neck and rested his head on her shoulder for a while. His grip of her tightend, almost like he was scared she might go away. She welcomed it and pressed her hand, that held his, harder. The sacred silence was back.

Soon it was time for her to leave. She unscrambled from the bed and did her hair and other such things as gather her belongings etc. He put on his shirt, but left it half unbuttoned. At the door, she leaned over to give him a non chalant hug. Trying to be pricey and hoping he'd notice. He did. Just as she was about to leave he grabed her and pressed her closer to him.

" I don't think I'll like life much without you in it...", He said, extremely casually.

" I don't think I will either " She hoped she sounded an atom sized degree of his casual tone.

With this he kissed her nose and let her go. She kissed his cheek and left... pulling the door behind her.

Brain Damage

This was one of those tags : Pick a Band and Answer all the questions with song titles of that band. I think its worth having on my blog...

Pick a band/artist: Pink Floyd

1. Are you a male or female: Atom Heart Mother

2. Describe yourself: On The Run

3. How do you feel about yourself: Let There B More Light

4. Describe your ex: Poles Apart

5. Describe your current guy situation: High Hopes\ Wish You Were Here

6. Describe your current location: On An Island

7. Describe where you want to be: Set The Controls For The Heart of The Sun

9. Your favorite color is: Any Colour You Like

10. You know that: The Gold, Its in the ...

11. What’s the weather like: A Great Day For Freedom

12. If your life was a television show what would it be called: Shine On You Crazy Diamond

13. What is life to you: Learning to Fly

14. What is the best advice you have to give: Comfortably Numb\ The Show Must Go On

15. If you could change your name what would you change it to: San Tropez

Anyone Else... But You...

She had so much to say, to him. About him and her and them and everything else. She had so much to say, but nowhere to start from and definately no point to make.
She had things she wanted undone...mistakes, decisions, distance... so they could go back to being the people they used to be. In love and corny about it.

But wishful thinking has its flaws. She knows that, but much. And so logic prevails on most occasions. But then, knees go weak and the stomach becomes home to butterflies playing football and logic tends to get blurry from time to time. Memories roll back and forth like a ball on a see saw.

She wants movement, in any direction would be good, so long as there was movement... but they're there, still, stagnant, rock solid and ice cold... And theres nowhere to that they have to be, so there is where they will be for a while.On one of the glaciers in antartica *sigh* moving, only really really slow. (Damnit Global warming, where are you when someone actually needs you!)

But the calender takes its own pace to turn. 1 excruciating day at a time.

The Grass was Greener...

The midnight train chugs away,
And the day slowly comes to hault,
It has reached its destination,
And another journey must start...

I dream, as I sit by my window,
As another train goes by...
I dream about being on it, this time,
Headed to an unknown high...

Let the crisp air be the opiate,
Let the mountain be the oppressor,
Let me find solidarity in mustard fields, this time,
Let the books be my only saviour.

And in between dreams,
Of the meadows, evenings and a river side,
I get haunted by today,
And the reminder of another missed ride.

Home Alone

Today was my Alone day. I sat and did absolutely nothing. Or atleast things that could classify as nothing. What I did do, which was a lot of fun also, was order pizza and watch Two Weeks Notice.

Its about this lawyer girl who has these things she fights for and stuff... and how she gets hired and eventually falls for this super rich corporate (here I'm refraining from using the term capitalist) guy. And how he falls in love with her back despite her being an un-feminine, annoying know-it-all type person. And how in the end she decides she'll be less obnoxious and he quits his job (or something to the effect) in order to be together.

Its kinda cute... and in some way implies that there is hope in the world for people like me...
There was a line in there that said - "The world will only change so long as people can change". And it wasnt for one type of people to become more like the other type. It was about both type of people reaching a common consensus...making almost equal number of alterations to exist in harmony...

That makes it slightly easier in my mind to sometimes compromise on things i hold strongly on most other occassions... like the wedding celebrations...As I told gita ma'am... Marx, Weber, Durkhiem and all sorts of feminist theorists were glaring me in the face while i enjoyed my brothers wedding in a resort in jaipur that was made to feel like a village simulation. And I ignored them and I danced and dressed up and looked all pretty. I engaged with all energy in activities that brought about family bonding... like dance to gujju (which i must say i actually enjoyed in the right spirit(s))...
And to be honest... it was a good feeling for the most of it. I needed it and hence I think I need some amounts of me being "not standing up for something" or not "judging someone" or making decisions and choices only based on a/some school of thought.

And hence another journey of seeking balance.... tsk tsk..must it always be this hard?

Me in 25 "Small" points....

This post is dedicated to Sudhanshu, who tagged me in one such note on facebook. I figured that writing this on my blog and linking people who need to read this is a fair compromise between not putting this on facebook for the world to see and not doing this at all.
So here goes.

1) I studied in a Gandian School for 13 years and a Leftist University for 3. The largest chunk of who I am can be sourced back to one of these.

2) I'm patriotic to a fault. Even though I know better, I can't tolerate criticism about my country. Unless its constructive criticism, which i'm welcome to.

3) I love dancing. Period.

4) As a child I've spent a large part of my time playing with barbies. If you ask me now, I will deny it tooth and nail.

5) I was diagnosed of mild dyslexia as a child. I consider it my biggest asset to date. I also cried the whole night after I watched Taare Zameen Par.

6) There was one phase in my life where I wanted to be a VJ or a talk show host. If nothing else, I wanted to appear on a talk show.

7) As an evolution of that, My 1st real ambition, since std 8th, was to be a Freelance Travel Journalist. I think at some level, I still hope to be that.

8) I Love Driving. I've wanted to drive ever since I could remember. My ideal car would be a Red Convertable. (Ferrari F50 - as a kid)

9) I still can't ride a bicycle, despite the numerous efforts multiple people have put in.

10) I enjoy drama(theatre, stage acting). I used to enjoy it even as a kid. I also considered being a script writer at some point.

11) I am a very detached person (despite how contrary it might seem). I know by now that I can never love a person the amount I love ideas. The sole exception to that being my parents.

12) I day dream a LOT. It almost borders on obsessive compulsive.

13) I have wanted to be a mother well before I considered the idea of being a wife. I wanted to adopt a girl child ever since I was in the 4th - 5th standard.

14) I know that I don't want to have biological children. I will adopt 2 childern (twins, 1 boy 1 girl - preferably). I will adopt somewhere between age 25-30 regardless of whether I am married or not.

15) I have recently figured that I am not a big city person. Although I love bombay to death, I would want my kids to grow up in a small town, or a hill station. Atleast their formative years.

16) I enjoy studying. I have always enjoyed studying because I have never studied for marks. To my mind, marks are only a by product of how well I internalize a subject. I have often internalized subjects a lot more after they were no longer a part of my syllabus

17) I love wildlife. I am not at all a domestic animals person. I feel very little sympaty for dogs or cats because they're far more pampared than the deer, the bear and the tiger.

18) I actually feel happy when leopards kill the tribals (or any such incidences). They asked for it! They had no business invading in the leopards house to begin with.

19) I am a true libran. The scales define me the best : because I am always trying to fight my internal battles about weighing out the pros and cons of all perspectives. Even though I come across as someone who tilts too much to 1 side - I'm likely to consider the opposite perspective with exactly that much passion before i decide.

20) I am a true libran in that I can be extremely lazy on one day and extremely active the next. I can also be extremely messy on some days, and obsessively clean on others.

21) One of my biggest flaw is that I tend to get overly passionate at times and in the process lose perspective. I have been trying very hard to find a balance over the years,

22) AIESEC was the most important thing in my life for the past 3 years. I will be lying to myself if I pretend otherwise. But it is true that at this point, I am happier out of it. Over the 3 years, I have also been very critical of it - not AIESEC Mumbai, just AIESEC as an organization

23) I love watching grey's anatomy. I am seriously crushing on Alex Karev. If someone like him was a part of my real life - I would be in love with him for sure.

24) I think I will make 1 movie. In Life- I will be part of 1 Movie making team. I'm not sure what kind of movie or what my role will be. But I get that feeling that I will be a part of one such team.

25) I used to have an imaginary twin brother named aniket while growing up. And I will be forever pissed at my parents that I had to grow up without a sibling.


Cool so now I have to tag:
So

1. Sudhanshu
2. Rahel
3. Alia
4. Alisha
   
5. Lavina
6. Aziza
7. Smitha
8. Karuna
9. Sneha
10. Siddhant
11. Jaish
12. Arvind
13. Ram
14. Udit
15. Manasi (Madness)
16. Dhaval
17. Advait (Ady Ash Chandy)
18. Ananya
19. Minal
20. Taha
21. Jem
22. Ankit
23. Saloni
24. Sagar
    
25. Rohan

Wow! Made it to 25!
I did this - You better do it too :)
How this works - is that you write this stuff about yourself, tag the person who tagged you and 24 other people. So wherever you write this stuff (if at all you do..) be sure to link me to it!

She walked in through the door and heavily plonked herself on the mattress where he was reading his book. He didn't respond. He knew she had had a long day. But he felt no sympathy or pity. He didn't want to tear the world apart to make it all better for her. He wasn't a hopeless romantic. He was a die hard pragmatic. So he looked at her, she gave a weak smile, he reciprocated and went back to his book.

After a few silent moments, she went for a shower. She came out fresh and clean and smelling divine. On her way back to the mattress, she detoured to the kicthen and picked up a wine glass and a coffee mug. She gestured to him, asking him which one he would prefer. He motioned to the mug. She went back to the kitchen and made 2 nice big mugs of cappuccino. He in the mean while called in for some food. He didn't ask her what she wanted.

And they sat there, each with their own book, own mug of coffee and silence. The only thing they had in common, was the blanket keeping them warm, that breezy winter evening... and their hands held tight under it.

They both had had a long day. They had both fought, with each other, with other people, with circumstance and with the world in general. They had no energy left to fight any more. They couldn't look at each other, they did not have anything reassuring to say to each other. So they sat there, in their silence...

Dinner came and passed while some movie played on the television. Every bone in her body hurt and she wanted nothing more than for her nerves to suddenly stop feeling anything at all. Every bone in his body ached for something to do. She envied his pain and he hers. On days they took that jealousy well, on others, they fought. Today was the other day....

After dinner they both slid into bed. He returned to his book. She slid closer to him and rest her head on his chest. He held her, tight. She felt a kiss on her forehead. She reciprocated on his chest.

Within moments she was in deep slumber and his eyes were surrendering to sleep. He shut the bedside lamp curled his other arm around her. And they slept. Sound.

And that, for that one moment, all the fighting they did, to stay together, was worth it

Fortresses and Facades

Fortresses Crumble...
Unexpectedly, Purposely...

Facades lift...
Truly, Honestly...

Comfort and warmth of the fortress,
Feel like an illusion, non existent, maybe never existent...

Facades feel more like curtains than masks...
The light let the silhouettes show, always...

Unfortunately, only the silhouettes,
And not the true colours...

The strength and magnanimity of the fortress,
A facade you saw only the silhouettes of...

Maybe if you had only tried,
Once, to rid the curtain...
Once, to help me break my fortress...
Maybe you would have freed yourself...
Maybe you would have freed me...

Maybe you would have looked into my fortress,
And realized its my prison, not my guard...
Maybe you would have let open my prison...
So I could unlock yours..

But fortresses crumbled...
Unexpectedly and purposely...

The rubble fell..
It hurt
And Bled...

But I'm trying to unlock you anyways...
Hoping you will help me heal my wounds...

You shy away,
You don't believe me...
You have never seen me Dark and Bleeding...
Only Strong and Magnanimous

But here I am...
More damaged than you bargained for...
Hurting more with every pebble you ever threw my way...

And I know I will heal myself...
And I know the hurt will stop...

But in this moment, now....
I need you to accept me, take me and love me...
For who I am...
For bleeding...
For Hurting....

Because Fortresses Crumbled purposely....
And Facades lifted...Honestly...Truely...

Grey's Anatomy and Strawberry Ice-Cream

That- is all the activity I have done in the past 36 hrs plus. And here I am blogging about it!
No no.. don't judge me yet.. I have not hit my head and had a concotion, I don't have blood in my frontal lobe thats changing personality traits, I dont have any extra reproductive organs apart from those I'm supposed to and hence there is no hormonal imbalance I am trying to even out by taking strange drugs.

The point is - I like watching greys anatomy - their pathetic workaholic lives remind me in some way of what mine used to be. They work in teams that they don't always get along with. They have relationships that don't always work out. They go through the anxiety of being new in the institution of the surgery ward and they aspire to becoming a resident. And over and above the stress of all that - they deal with people who are sick and need medical attention. Hmpf- Incoming Exchange should be renamed surgery :P
But why its good to watch greys anatomy is because now i know normal people have those emotions too and face the same situations too.. helps me relate to normal people- you know - being nice to family, making sure work delegated to me is done - generally engaging in family gossip and things. Its like a reintegration procedure...hmm..

Anyways thats as uneventful as it gets at the moment. I'm thinking of doing things now - generally being efficient with something - you know, living a non slob like existance.

So I shall go and do that. And in the mean while leave you with the fact that my body is awesome! I have done no physical activity in 2 days and eaten about 1 litre of ice cream thats heavy in cream and calories. And i have not put on even a few more grams of extra weight! Point being - it only puts on healthy weight - and magically flushes out unhealthy weight!

I think i should be the next medical research :P

The Girl Next Door

I think I could get used to this "blogging everyday" thing. I thought so yesterday anyways. And then i didnt blog.
So today i shall post about yesterday and about a mostly uneventful today - in 2 different posts mostly because i know what I want the title to be.

So yesterday was interesting - not delightfully.. it could really have been better. For starters i blew off 500 bucks on a fucked up pasta and a breezer and my heart burns at the thought of the beautiful fettuchini and white sauce I would have got at little italy for about the same price. Then we drove around.. and had some really good doughnuts. The drive was mostly uneventful - which i would say is a good thing, cos it was closer to being eventful in a really bad way if it had to be eventful at all..

Anyways.. the pursuit of yesterday was mostly to figure out what "The Girl Next Door" is like? How does she dress? what kind of music is she into? what sort of conversations do you have with her? Whats she like as a person?

Of course I got diametrically opposite answers from different men. From hot boobs-long hair-sports bra wearing-model-who changes with windows open so guys can oogle- to Metal listening-punk-chinky - the definations of the "girl next door" as i figure, are quite whopped.

Anyhow, as always wikipedia comes to the rescue... defines the girl next door as the american stereotype of the girl thats the same class as the male protagonist of the story. One whos feminine and average at almost everything....
The betty cooper types..

Now, I remember liking betty cooper - in school! thinking i'd be the friend she is, i'd be as low maintainance as she is, i'd be as smart and hard working as she is... you know the kinds that would go to an old age home with chocolates on a wasted saturday morning and would heal the dog who hurt himself on the road...
I used to vaguely be that person i remember... love songs i heard and love stories i read...all starry eyed for my prince charming to ride along...

But i think the past 5 years have worked as a disillusionment of sorts - i mean.. don't you think? If you knew me between 2004 and now - you know you've been a part of making me this person.

And if you think of that - i dont really mind being somewhat or the girl next door... but i'd also like to be the feminist, marxist, development economics and politics studying girl...
Of course a compromise has to be met.. I know you don't like too much of either... You almost started my path from being girl next door to getting here.. and now you're going to have to anchor me the other way :)

Have always been the balanced one.. haven't you...
Well help me balance this then :)

Hot Coffee with Almonds and Whipped Cream

Sigh. How little old me craves for that thing kushank had at barista the other day. I would do a fair amount to go back to Barista and have it if I had someone to go with me. Unfortunately I don't. Because most people I would like to be around at this point in time, without their presence being annoying, are busy with other people doing other things, jamming, partying, smoking ^ or out of town! and new ideas come to mind now, damnit!

But in a way its a blessing that people are busy. Reminds me that at this point I don't want to be partying or jamming or sitting around while people smoke ^. I won't mind travelling. But then I will never mind travelling. The point is that people being busy with things I dont want to do fits in with the isolation plan. Catching up on reads and movies and shows and sleep and studies (most importantly!)

I figured just now that a new number target needs to be made. Thanks to Mr Varun Punjabi and LSE my brain actually works on the lines of numbers now. Not performing mathematical operations on them - just mostly working with them.
My exam timetable is out. The godforesaken exams start on the 7th of May and go on till 5th of June. May is going to be a LONG month. As I look at it, that slims my chances of making it to april lcong if it happens anytime after the 15th. Bummer. At this point I realize that its time I stop looking at all events in my life from an AIESEC perspective.

Withdrawal symptoms are strong. And the reactions are entertaining in retrospect.Not in that moment...
But its good. I've been doing things the AIESECer Apeksha hasn't done in a while... Like listen to Dido and other pop chick singers/bands. I've also been getting drunk on nice alcohol :) Long Island Ice Tea is the shit! :P
Overblown ego is self deflating - which is a very very good thing. Speaking to old friends and catching up and the likes has happened.

I watched Kung Fu Panda today. Feel like doing a watching marathon... what to watch? Grey's anatomy would be ideal - except no one gives it to me (hmpf). Not in a dexter mood. Maybe OC but dont have that either!

Shall watch something - thats mostly pop-y and non deep/intellectual/strong/thought provoking types.

And siddhant the angel just told me he'd give them all to me. So I will be off to pick up my quota of of senseless watches :P

More from appyland soon

Closing in on a new beginning

Its that time in life again, when change is around the corner, sitting there, waiting for me to walk those last few almost familiar blocks before I turn towards unknown territory. In restrospect, the turmoil that was created the previous time - the attachment, detachment, dreams and realities and the constant war between them made me more comfortable than I should have been with familiar. The idea of change was appealing - but clinging on to the idea of radical change made me doubt the power of subtle but in reality stronger and more sustainable change.

But around now, I get that feeling in me again - for radical change. This time its more something I feel is going to happen externally and I am going to be the one making it as less radical and as more subtle as possible, Unlike last time when it was the other way around.

But change is in order and there are things and people I will have to leave behind - some forcibly so, and most painfully so. Of course it feels like this has everything to do with me leaving AIESEC - but thats not true. Yes, it is a major contributor to a lot of these feelings. But there are things about me that I discover/ rather re-discover every single day. Friendships that I ran away from seem strangely appealing. Conversations and perspectives I looked down upon seem more tolerable. The need to be in the limelight constantly reducing because the urge to find me is so much stronger.
It feels like going into a shell and then rolling around in the vast space there is. Remake that distinction between self and other.

As the new beginning come closer (as i much rather call it than the end of days) I feel the need to rekindle passion. Last time around - there was AIESEC - for showing me movies, presentations, perspectives and inspire me for the sake of inspiration. Now there needs to be a new passion - a more realistic passion - a more universal passion.
There need to be a new set of leaders who I am awestruck by. There need to be comraderies for the same goal. There needs to be passion within those set of people to fight - to really fight. To fight hunger, war, terrorism, inequality... to fight against all that is wrong... or one thing - but with so much strength and energy. Go sleepless nights, sacrifice, suffer - but feel content...

Yes this all seems like AIESEC - but its really not about that right now. Its about me finding myself - not again - but a new self - wrapping up all that i have been in the 2 decades of my existance and creating a synthesis that I start real life with... before the next Revolution of course!

Weeding Out

Vulnerablities.
Many many of them.
Highly uncomfortable.
Don't want to be this way.
Hate being this way.

Hate feeling like this.
Hate needing someone.
Hate needing people in general.
Hate needing solidarity.
Hate needing. Period.

Hate loving someone so much.
Hate not having someone.
Hate watching people with other people.
Hate hoping "someday".
Hate feeling like this. Period.

Hate aspiration.
Hate day dreams.
Hate change.
Hate decisions.
Hate jealousy. Period.

Hate the want to rebuild myself.
Love the want also.
Want to grow again.
Want to become a different person.
Hate how difficult it is...
Hoping the result is worth it.

Tomorrow

Maybe this goes out to someone,
Maybe this is for me and me alone..

Maybe after very long, something bothered me this much,
Maybe its bothered me for a while but I finally have the courage to confront it,

For once this isn't about me..
But then maybe its just about me...

Placebo is a substance or procedure a patient accepts as medicine or therapy, but which has no specific therapeutic activity. Any therapeutic effect is thought to be based on the power of suggestion.

So whats the placebo?
The Drug? or the Ritual to get off it?
The Feeling itself? or the hurt that one deals with, to rid the feeling?
The aspiration? or the road to getting there?

And if each is as likely to be the placebo - something that has so specific therapeutic consequences - then why does any of these things happen at all.

No this isn't unreal - far from it. Because it pricks and hurts. Because it leads to tears. Because we love and will continue to..and hence care and continue to. Because it doesn't stop when you ignore it for long enough. Because these things don't grab you at your strongest time - instead they do at your most vulnerable time...

When you look at someone hurt on the road, someone drowning in the lake or falling off the cliff - you lend a hand and more. Giving up isn't an options some of these times... not because you really want to save the person.. but because you don't want to face your own guilt for not trying hard enough for the rest of your life...

Today is one such confrontation...
Maybe its time to reach out...
Maybe its time to convince yourself against worrying about things that you can't control...

Each path is difficult - and the commitment permenant.

Maybe Tomorrow decides for itself... what you must do.. or what I must do.
Or maybe tomorrow we can make that decision - that will possibly change our lives forever - and then stick to it.